Worth It?
by BestUsernameEver54321
Summary: Movie-verse. What if Alan was depressed from being ignored by his family and didn't think he was worth it? What if the Hood wanted to push those secrets at the end of the movie, say at the bank. and what if the brothers, and the gang were caught? What would Alan's life be like? Self harm. Self hate. Depression. Brother fluff, smut. Hurt Alan. Rated T for some graphic scenes.
1. Can

_**Disclaimer: I do not own 'Thunderbirds' movie 2004.**_

**I just wanted to show you how I thought Alan should have been.**

**Warning: Self harm. Not graphic. Depression. Suicidal. Hearing voices. And all around Alan whump.**

**What can I say? SCREW STUDYING! Cause this life it just better.**

**Yes I do have friends! And a life.**

* * *

"Dad, I know I shouldn't have been in the ship, but –" Before Alan could finish, Jeff cut him off.

"You're damn right you shouldn't!" He said coldly, Alan felt his heart sink, couldn't his dad for just once in his life hear him out. Or trust him?

"But I had it under control" Trying to reason with his father. Jeff scoffed.

"Under control? Do you have any idea of the importance of secrecy in our operation? You fired up without the anti-detection shield. You put everyone in danger" Alan felt the tears burn behind his eyes. Danger? "When you act selfishly" He felt like knives were stabbing at him. Ripping his apart from the inside. "You want to be part of the team, you play by the rules. Understand?" He was too shocked to respond. He wanted to. But he felt dead "Do you?" The sharp tone of his father nicked the sense into him and he quickly put a mask up

"Yeah, I understand. You don't want me to be a Thunderbird. You don't want me to do anything. You won't even listen to me!" He stopped shouting at Jeff and he could see the scowl on his face. The scowl which told him that his father didn't even care.

"I've heard enough. You're grounded for the rest of spring break" he felt his stomach turn.

"But, Dad!" He shouted. Jeff gave him a glare which shut him up.

"Bottom line, Alan. You need to grow up" Alan glared at his father. Grow up, so being beaten up at school, teased at by his own brothers, and having to take care of himself ever since the accident wasn't called growing up? Then what was?

"Then let me" he finally said and walked out of the door.

* * *

Laying awake in bed, Alan kept staring at the tiles on his roof. Why is it whenever he tries to prove himself, it never works out? He's just scorned at and shouted at. How can he live if his own family doesn't believe in him?

He felt empty, emptiness where his heart should be. He felt tired, mentally. Why? Why can't they just see the real him? Gordon kept on teasing him, about school. He never blew up the school, that was another person who just blamed him. But of course they didn't believe in him. How culd they? He was just the baby of the family, just a kid. A kid who get's into rough situations.

_They don't believe in you, cause you're not worth believing in._

"No! They do trust me." The voice snickered.

_You're just the baby, the mistake_

He felt his heart sink. He knew that he was un planned. But they cared about him, didn't they?

"They do care about me."

_Then why don't they get you homeschooled? Because they don't want you around! You're expendable. The kid to take their anger out on. _

"You're wrong" But was that true? Don't they care about him?

* * *

The next day, Alan woke up around 6am and just lay there. Feeling empty and sad. Ever since last night, he couldn't stop rethinking everything. Did they care? Or was he just expendable? Groaning he got up and went to his wardrobe. Feeling depressed he picked out his black jeans, black converses a grey t-shirt and his thin black jacket. Looking in the mirror, he put on his mask. The smile he wore looked real, examining himself, he couldn't help but be scared. Was this how he would spend the rest of his life? Living behind a mask. But if he wasn't a thunderbird, what would he do? HE couldn't see a future with him in it. What if he wasn't supposed to live that long?

_Then die_

"No! no, I can't think like that" He said back. Where did that thought come from?

_You know it's true. If you're not a Thunderbird, then what are you?_

"A Tracey!"

_Hmm. How's that working out for you?_

Alan felt sick. "Shut up" he practically shouted.

_You can't shut me out Alan. I'm you._

He needed to get control, a thought passed his mind and he froze. He hadn't, ever, considered hurting himself. Granted he hadn't ever since he was sent to a bording school, away from his supposed 'caring' family. But with everything that has happened, he was starting to feel the urge coming back with a vengeance. Looking at his desk draw, he knew there was a razor hidden below in a box. Just for safe keeping. He felt it call to him. Somehow he felt his body moving towards it and opening the box in the draw. There, still clean and shiney, with the exception of a few old blood drops was his razor.

"Don't do it Alan" he told himself.

_Go on. Do it! Cut yourself, bleed. You know you want to. Be a disgrace like your father thinks._

He felt the tears starting to prickle his eyes. Rolling up his sleeve jacket he saw some old scars.

_Your brothers would be so disappointed. Their little WEAK baby brother cutting himself because he can't handle the truth. You're a BURDEN! A DISGRACE! WEAK!_

He slid the cold metal against his wrist. Alan gasped immediately as he felt his skin break. He saw the blood, his blood, starting to prickle out and he couldn't help but sigh in relief. He waited for the voice to come back, but it didn't. There was silence. Complete and utter silence. Wrapping up the cut, he felt calmer. And a bit better. He slid the razor in his jeans pocket, just incase he needed it again.

* * *

Walking along the beach, he reached for his rock skipper and played with it. All the while thinking about his family. Hearing an emergency alarm, he looked up into the sky and saw thunderbird 3 take off. He kept himself from laughing, and they didn't even bother to call him. Hearing some footsteps he turned around and saw Tintin. He didn't bother to say hello cause, well, she hated him.

"Alan!" the familiar voice of Fermat coming into rang. He saw his little friend pounce out of the bushes and he couldn't find but smiling at him. "Tintin! Thunderbird 5 has been hit! Thunderbird 5 has been hit!" As he made his way over, he was puffing from loss of breath and Alan had to keep him steady on his feet before collapsing "Thunderbird 5 has been hit!"

"Ok. Ok. Ok. Don't panic. Don't panic" he tried to calm him down. Hearing a huge wave like sound from the ocean they all turned around and saw an enemy ship rising from the water. Alan felt his heart race quicken. "On the other hand. Run!" they all ran into the forest for hiding.

* * *

Hiding from site, they watched the ship take landing and Alan couldn't help but feel guilty and selfish.

"How'd they find the Island? Was it what I did in Thunderbird? Did I ruin everything?"

_Of course you did. You let an enemy in because of your selfishness_

His heart caught his throat. The voice was right. It was all his fault.

"No. That compound we found could have a transmitting capability" fermat reassured his friend. Alan nodded, putting his mask to perfection.

_Could have. He said could have. He thinks it's your fault too. Your family and your friends think your selfish. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!_

"We have to do something" Tintin said. The two teenage boys nodded. Fermat looked at them.

"My dad's in the control room"

"How do we get there now?" Tintin said in defeat.

_The air vents you fool_

"Thanks" he muttered to the voice. Going undetected by his friends. "The vents" they rushed off back to the house with a plan. Alan kept his mask in place and vowed to prove himself to his family.

"Come on! Hurry" He shouted as they rushed through the forest.

As they arrived, they spotted the guards and Alan's hope plummeted.

"Watch out for the guards" he wanted to smack Fermat. Yeah, cause intimidating guys in black was so not noticeable. Alan lead them to the air vents entrance as the man turned his back and silently opened it up.

"Get in, get in" he whisper as he close the gate behind him.

They crouched through the vents as Alan told them the directions.

"Just keep straight ahead."

"Ok" Tintin whisperd back. Hearing loud voices Alan remembered that the second power plug as they arrived.

"That's it" Pointing to the duct.

"Okay, this one" Fermat agreed pointing the same one. Lifting the duct, they peered down at the control centre. They watched as the Hood spoke to Jeff.

"They've taken over" he whispered in guilt. It was all his fault.

_You should have never started Thunderbird 1. Now look at what you've done._

Alan made no move to object. Alan spotted the bald man and raised an eyebrow,

"Whose the bald freak" he whispered. They saw him take Tintins parents into the room and he heard her gasp.

"You" Kyrano said in fright. He suddenly clutched his head in pain and Tintin took an intake of breath.

"Dad"

"T-They've got my dad" Fermat said in sorrow.

"Ok you have our attention" Alan's ears perked up at the sound of his father's authority voice. "Who are you? What do you want?" the bald man waved a hand in obvious cheer.

"Oh how rude of me. You can call me the Hood" The three teenagers looked at each other in fear, they now knew his name. Knowing the name of the man who could kill you isn't such a good thing when the chances are you could get caught. "Now, listen here Mr Tracy. We won't be negotiating. I'm going to use the Thunderbirds to rob banks, starting with the Bank of London. The money system will be in chaos and the Thunderbirds held responsible."

"You'll never get away with it!" Scott shouted. Alan felt longing and guilt of his family.

"Why the Thunderbirds?" Jeff asked in curiosity. He never remembered coming across the Hood.

"An eye for an eye Mr Tracy."

"An eye for an eye?" Jeff asked in complete bewilderment.

"Perhaps you've forgotten me, but you remember saving my brother, Kyrano?" bringing his brother into view of the screen cam. Jeff looked at the man in betrayal, Kyrano, taking notice of it explained.

"I'm sorry Mr Tracy. I thought he was dead" The Hood laughed with no humor. He snarled at the man.

"Take them away" he ordered Mullion.

"Yes, sir" the three teens got back up and Tintin was in shock.

"Does that make the Hood my uncle?" she asked in disgust.

"Every family has a black sh - sh" Alan knew what he was about to say and the thought made his heart break. He could hear the voice laughing in his head. Suddenly Fermat sneezed. Making a rather loud echo sound in the vents. Complete silence was in the control room. "This room's murder my allergies" Alan glared at his long time friend. They looked back down and observed the conversation play out.

"You left me to die that day. You may have broken my body but you've no idea how powerful my mind has become. Now you will suffer, as I suffered, waiting for a rescue that will never come." Transom pressed a button and the cam went dead.

"Wait!" Jeff's voice went out. Alan felt tears prickle his eyes, but he kept his mask in plsce. Hearing Fermat about to sneeze Tintin put her hand over his mouth and nose. Just as he sneezed it still made a sound.

"Some ones there" they heard the Hood say,

"Go, go go!" Alan whispered and screamed at them. Pushing them in front of him. He wasn't worth it. Abruptly a hand grabbed onto Alan's foot. Stopping him from running, Tin tin bent down and bit the hand, causing it to loose the grip as they made a run for it.

"Run run!" She shouted.

"No, jump. We can get through to the silos." Alan said as they jumped through the big holes in the vents. "Holy shit!"

* * *

"Come on lets go!" He shouted to Tin tin and Fermat after messing with the goons. They ran through the hanger to Thunderbird 1 "Where's Fermat?" he asked Tin Tin.

"Fermat!"

"Fermat!" they both shouted and relived as they saw the small frame of said person running towards them.

"Coming!"

"Hurry up" and they both went back to running. "what were you doing back there Fermat?"

"I had an idea" he replied shortly. A they reached the door Alan went through the possible codes in his mind.

"Try and keep up, OK? I'll open the tunnel. We gotta keep moving."

'Access Denied' he sighed.

_Fail at everything you do don't you Alan?_

He ignored the voice and kept the mask. Turning to his friends.

"Go back. Yell when you see them coming." They nodded and he went to press another code in.

'Access Denied'

Turning back to see them. He felt a pair of eyes burn at the back of his head. Slowly turning around he came face-to-face with the Hood.

"Alan" the man said in recognition. Somewhat friendly. "You can run if you want.  
Were you surprised to hear what your father did to me? It is frightening when we realize our parents aren't perfect. But perhaps you already suspected that about your father" he saw the young boy shift on his footing and smiled "Why did he build these magnificent machines? Do you suppose it was guilt? Because he let your mother die." Alan shook his head. He felt a prick in the back of his mind but pushed it away, somewhat surprising the Hood "Open the door Alan" shaking his head in 'no' the man smirked. "Open. The. Door" his eyes grew red and he felt the strain in his mind again.

"We can't go this way" he shouted to the two, in a strained voice. "He's there" the trio backed away to the middle of the room. Surrounded by the Hood and his followers.

"No!" Fermat cried as he tripped over. Alan helped him back up to his feet. "What are we gonna do Alan?" Alan took an intake of breath. He saw the Hood eye him, with a tint of worry.

"I don't know" Why didn't he know? He was a Tracy, if his brother's were here they'd know what to do.

_That's because they are better than you. Always being compared to your brothers. Always going to be a failier"_

"I'm thinking ok!" he shouted at the voice. He looked around and saw a big red button behind the Hood. "Keep backing up. I've got an idea" He said the two, Pushing the behind him. He took out his toy and fired it behind the Hood. Tin Tin looked at him in bewilderment.

"That's your idea?"

"It's not me you're angry at, Alan." The Hood said, Alan felt a twinge of shock. He didn't know did he? Putting that aside he went to the main idea.

"It's not you I'm aiming at" grinning at the older man. Firing it straight at him. He ducked at the rock hit the red button. He felt the floor holding him up, drop and feeling the cool breeze of falling, the hot flames of Thunderbird 1 and water.

* * *

Alan watched from the bush where Lady Penelope and Parker were being held by the Hood.

"How are you Alan?" He jumped involuntarily. The Hood increased the pressure on Parker, causing him to cry out on pain. He looked away in remorse "I hope you don't think I'm going to chase you." Increasing the pressure again on Penelope and Parker. He looked up in shocked silence.

_Not running to save them. You SELFISH little boy! Not saving the ones who are kind to you!_

"You can make it stop Alan!" he shouted and increased the pressure. Parker was going red in the face and Lady Penelope looked as if she was about to faint. "You have something that belongs to me" pushing his hand out.

"Really, sir, don't mind me. This isn't the first time my head has been pulverized. And it's never done any real harm before" Parker tried to reason but then screamed out in pain. Alan grimaced.

_Yes. Run away, show them how weak you really ARE!_

"Stop! Stop. I'll give it to you" he shouted, running to the Hood but throwing it in the opposite direction. "Fetch!" But it curved and headed back to the man. Alan watched in fascination.

"You made a match out of it, Alan, I'll give you that" he praised, he looked back at him and smirked. "Put those two with them. But take Alan to Thunderbird 2. He is most intriguing"

* * *

'Guidance processor installed'

"The processor has been installed. Thunderbird is ready for takeoff" Transom gleefully said. Alan was tied to a chair beside the Hood.

'Begin launch sequence'

"What is our ETA?" He asked Mullion. Alan watched, helpless.

_You FAILIER You failed protecting your own friends and now Lady Penelope and Parker. You WEAKLING! Your brother's and father would be disgraced. _

Alan sat there, feeling the empty space where his heart should be. He felt…empty. Dead inside. He could feel his razor in his pocket. If only he could.

"Under an hour" Mullion informed. "Back of London. Here we come" He heard the familiar sirens and closed his eyes. He couldn't watch this.

"So, Alan" The Hood said as he turned towards the teen with keep interest "How does it feel to finally be in a flying Thunderbird?" Alan opened his eyes, now hollow with emotion. It startled the Hood.

"Not as I thought it would be" the bald man furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. the once brown eyes turned red. He felt the twinge in the back of his brain again and gasped.

"Strange" he said, eyes returning to normal "I cannot read you. But, if everything goes to plan. I will soon" and he returned to resting in the seat. Leaving Alan to ponder of what he meant.

* * *

"Thunderbird 5 come in. Thunderbird 5 come in" Lady Penelope said, speaking into the mike.

"How long have they got before re-entry?" Fermat asked Brains in concern. He was worried for the Tracy's up in space and especially his best friend.

"90 seconds and counting" Brains responded. Lady Penelope was typing frantically onto the computer.

'Access to mainframe confirmed'

"I'm in!" Fermat exclaimed in triumph.

"Good job Fermat" Penelope praised. He placed the cam in the right angle.

"Ok, I just need someone on their end to confirm the access protocol" Brains inhaled.

"Thunderbird 5 come in. Mr Tracy can you hear me? Thunderbird 5 come in" he said a little more forcefully. "

"45 seconds till re-entry" Fermat said nervously.

"Dam it Jeff wake up!" Brains shouted full on. Everything was quiet for a moment.

"That's the first time you've called me by my first name Brains" Jeff said in a sleepy voice, yet still commanding. "Thanks for waking me."

"Mr Tracy, confirm access protocol" Fermat said. There was a beeping noise in the background and they heard John laugh.

"Confirmed. We're back online"

"Gravity is restored. Put Thunderbird….Your craft into geostational orbit" Brains directed.

"FAB Brains"

'Geostationary orbit re-established'

"Looks like we're good to go. Where's the Hood?" everyone was silent on tracy Island. Lady Penelope had told them about the Hood taking Alan, for reason's unknown. Fermat and Tin Tin were the most distraught.

"In Thunderbird 5 headed for L – L"

"London" Penelope said for him.

"She's right"

"He's got the mole onboard" Ferman informed.

"Looks like Thunderbird lost a booster, Dad" John said on the line. Jeff deflated.

"Let us go after the Hood" Lady Penelope said, looking at Fermat and Tin Tin.

"Ok, Penelope. We'll meet you there. Wait!" Before they could sign off "Where's Alan?" He asked looking worried, you could see his tired lines progressing. Brains and Penelope gulped.

"The Hoods taken him" Lady P said. Jeff stumbled on his feet. You could hear the silence on the other line. It was as if Death rolled over. Jeff looked as if a storm was brewing.

"Thunderbirds are Go!" he roared. "Let's catch that son of a bitch!"

"FAB Mr Tracy"

* * *

"Look at all this gold!" Mullion shouted in amazement. Alan followed them out, his wrists were getting tighter, causing his cut to start bleeding. During the day, he lost his jacket so he's now wearing only his t-shirt, nothing to cover it.

"Stay on focused. Nine more banks to go" The Hood looked at Alan and raised an eyebrow at the blood. "I don't remember doing that" Alan cleared his throat in nervousness.

"You didn't" The Hood took a hold of his wrists and put pressure on them, causing Alan to wince in pain. He narrowed his eyes at the teen.

"You poor, poor boy. Having all these secrets. But soon" The Hoods smile widened "Soon, you won't have any" he pushed Alan onto the floor near the bank vault. Alan watched in powerlessness as they stole the gold, jewelry and diamonds from the bank. He somehow felt nothing, just blank. And he welcomed it.

* * *

"Ashes to Ashes, diamonds to diamonds" The Hoods remonissed and sensed Lady Penelope in the room "Lady Penelope. What an unpleasant surprise" Alan perked up and looked from the floor to the most pleasant image he could see.

"Oh thank god!" she was pointing a gun at him and was dressed as if she was a chinses samurai. In pink. And a woman.

"Oh, don't be rude. I can't tell you, what a pleasure it would be to use my little finger to pull this big trigger. Now don't move!"

"Mullion" he ordered and waked the gun out of her grasp. Alan tensed up and watched in horror. As Mullion, the great big oaf that he was. Carried Lady P to one of the little bank stalls.

"That's not cricket!" She said.

"I'm sorry. The only part of sport I like is winning" The Hood said. Alan shrugged, he could agree. But still he was fuming inside at how Mullion man handled poor Miss Lady P.

* * *

"How Ghastly" After Mullion hand – cuffed her to the pole she turned her attention to Alan, who was sitting on the other side of the room. Calm, too calm for her liking. Then she noticed the blood around his wrists and tensed. Did the Hood hurt him?

"Alan, how are you?" Alan looked at her and smiled sadly.

"As fine as you could be when your kidnapped by a psychopath" She smiled and spared a glance at the blood.

"What happened?" Nodding to it. Alan looked at the blood and looked away from her. Not meeting her eyes.

"Nothing" She could tell that he didn't want to talk about it, so she didn't push. But she would get the answer. Even if she had to wait years.

* * *

While they were waiting for something to happen, Alan used his razor to cut through the rope that was tying his hands together just as it broke, Alan saw his father enter the room and lay eyes on him.

"Alan!" He saw the look of horror in his eyes which sent his heart plummeting.

"Dad no!" He turned around and saw the Hood.

"Did you save them all this time Jeff? Or did you leave someone behind?"

"I didn't make you what you are" As he advanced on the bald man.

"it's not me you have to convince" looking at Jeff's defenseless son on the ground. Jeff's anger boiled.

"Leave my son out of this!" As he went to pounce on him, the hood sent him flying into the vault where Penelope was.

"Dad!" Alan ran to his father and crouched to the bars.

"I'm disappointed in you Alan" The Hood said, Alan turned around and glared at the man. "I thought we were kindred spirits" pouting a bit.

"Well, we're not. I'm Jeff Tracy's son" He said as he advanced on the hood.

"Yes" laughing "You certainly are" and used his powers to send Alan flying into the wall. Jeff watched in complete terror as his baby son was smashed into a wall. His whole body froze at the sight of Alan in pain. Alan lay on the ground, chocking.

"Stuart, hold him" He ordered one of the guards. The man picked up Alan and dragged his body near a pole. "Now Alan, just stay still"

"Let go!" Shouted the familiar voice of Gordon. "Get your stinkin paws off of me you hairy baboon!"

"Alan!" Scott shouted as he saw his baby brother. The four brothers stopped to take in the sight of him. He looked ready to pass out, blood on his clothing and a cut starting to bleed on is forehead.

"What did you do to him!?" shouted John. Ready to kick some ass.

"Scott?" Alan asked in a tiny voice it broke their heart. Scott bit his lip.

"I'm here baby brother" Alan smiled but it quickly changed into a grimace.

_They don't deserve you._

"I'm sorry" he said, barely above a whisper. They had no clue what he was apologizing for.

"You five. Put them with their father" the other guards grabbed the four men and hauled them into the vault, locking the door.

"Sir, we've got these three" Mullion and Transom arrived, dragging Parker, Fermat and Tin Tin.

"Alan! Alan are you ok?" Fermat shouted.

"Bring the girl to me, but put those two with the rest" Mullion pushed her to her knees before the Hood. The girl was shaking in terror. "Now, I have noticed that you have the gift." She froze. Everybody watched in interest and worry. "Now, now no need to be shy. It is a privilege to be born with it. But not yours since you seem to hide it so well. No need to hide it when you won't have it" HE said as he placed his hands on the side of her skull. His eyes went red as he concentrated.

"What are you –" she got cut off by her screams in pain as she felt the power being ripped off from her very soul. Blood poured out form her nose and then her body went limp.

"Tin tin?" Jeff asked. Alan limped over to her and collapsed to his knees. He shook her, trying to see if she would react. He got nothing. The hood stood up and shook his head. He felt stronger. More capable of anything.

"Tin Tin!" Alan cried out as he realized she wasn't breathing. He looked over to his brother's where they looked on in horror. He connected his blue eyes with brown. "Virgil! What do I do?" He asked as he held Tin Tins limp body in his arms.

"Y-You…" He trailed off, not knowing. "I-I don't know" They all looked at him in helplessness. He began to tear up. "I don't know!" he held his head in his hands.

"Tin, you've got to wake up." He said softly "I've already caused enough damage today. I've already lost myself, but I can't loose you" a tear fell from his eye. "Please, just wake up. Please…."

"Dear Alan" the Hood said as a guard picked him up to stand. He stood on shaky legs, feeling a void of emptiness.

"Don't you fucking hurt him!" Shouted Scott. Jeff made no move to correct him of language.

"If you hurt him Baldy. Your hair won't be the only thing which would be gone!" Gordon shouted. Alan hung his head.

"It's ok" he said. Everyone looked a him in shock.

"What?" John asked. Alan looked at his family and smiled sadly.

"I said it's ok. I'm not important" They stared at him as if he's gone mad.

"Well. This just got interesting" The Hood exclaimed in joy clapping his hands together.

* * *

**YES! a cliff - hanger! Oh dear lord what have i done?!**

**Fav and review if you want to see what happens to Alan!**


	2. You

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'.**

**So sorry! I forgot all about how old they were ****smacks head in stupidity**

**Scott – 24**

**John – 22**

**Virgil – 20**

**Gordon – 18**

**Alan – 14**

**A big thank you to everyone who has been reviewing, faving and well just plain reading. It makes my heart flutter with pure happiness when I see I got an extra review. And so terribly happy when I hear that you want more!**

**Enjoy chapter 2!**

* * *

Alan stood still, waiting for the Hood to make a move. But he didn't all that he did was examine Alan.

"Interesting. Your mind seems to be clouded" He placed his hands on either side of Alan's head, just like with TinTin.

"Don't you fucking dare!" Shouted John, pounding his fists against the bars, ignoring the fact that they'd be bruised later on. Gordon was trying to pick the lock with shaking hands, looking back and forth with Alan. Scott was paling on the floor next to a raging father. And Virgil was shouting threats at the Hood.

"Shut Up!" Shouted Alan. Everything went deadly quiet. "I…" he looked at a lost for words. "I deserve this" He looked away from the shocked faces of his family and an outraged look from Lady Penelope.

"Allie, you don't deserve _any _of this" Scott said, after a long minute. The Hood rolled his eyes.

"Let's get this over with shall we?" He stated and his eyes went red. Alan felt sudden pressure on his head and couldn't fight back a blood-curdling scream. Everything was like being underwater; the muffled sounds form his family, the fight to get air. It was all dragging him under. He didn't realize his nose was bleeding, or the fact that he was now on his knees. He did realize though, when the pressure dropped and he fell to the floor with a thump. He was gasping for breath and felt a copper taste in his mouth. Opening his eyes he saw his brother's, father, Fermat, Parker and Lady Penelope scared and concerned faces.

"Allie?" Scott finally asked. Alan's eyes dropped closed and his body went limp. That only scared them more.

"Well, that was…interesting to say the least" The Hood stated as he rubbed his temples "The pain young Alan went through. Was more than I expected from a 14 year old boy" Jeff narrowed his eyes. The four brother's blood ran cold.

"What do you mean pain?" asked Lady Penelope in a civil manner which was hard to conduct. She could tell the Hood was telling the truth. She wasn't Britain's finest spy for her looks.

"Finally! A good question. Do you know that Alan is depressed" By the shocked looks on their faces he continued "Every week, every day, every hour, he feels abandoned. Lost, and sad…"he fakes a sad expression and turned back to the motionless body of Alan. "Well, I'll let Alan explain the rest" he turned away "Come. We must leave" the guards and his goons followed the Hood out of the bank. Never to be seen again.

"Allie, come on baby wake up" Gordon said as Scott was picking the lock, his father got up. Out of his handcuffs he was pissed off.

"Scott move" Scott didn't have to be told twice as Jeff kicked the door off of it's hinges and everyone piled out, making a beeline for their baby. Virgil immediately went into doctor mode and assessed the situation. Jeff was pushing the stray hair away from his face.

"He seems to have" pressing down a little on his ribs "Bruised ribs. Probably one heck of a concussion. But I'd know more once we're at home" John loked up from Alan.

"Fuck back home! He needs a hospital. NOW!" he shouted, Scott got up and endulged his younger brother in a hug. John immediately broke down crying "He didn't deserve this." Scott felt the tears burning.

The past 5 hours were a blur. If you asked anyone about what happened in that span of time. They'd say no. Virgil was checking Alan's vitals, it's been an hour since they arrived home and cleaned Alan up. And hour since he hasn't responded. Virgil had to stick a tube down his throat just so he could breath. Looking at the sight of his baby, he felt destroyed. The Hood messed with their family. Hell will be paid.

"I can't believe Tin Tins dead" Gordon whispered behind Virgil, causing the young Doctor to nearly jump out of his skin. He turned around and saw an unhappy Gordon.

"Jesus Gordo. I didn't hear you come nearly make me die of fright" apparently his little joke was too much for Gordon to handle as he started to break down. Virlig wrapped his arms around the swimmer and hushed him.

"Why did she die? She was only 13!" the man wailed in his brothers arms. After 5 minutes Gordon was calmer and watched his sleeping little brother.

"How is he?" Virgil rubed his face in frustration. "His vitals are normal. His ribs are bruised, cuts are fine but…" he trailed off. Not knowing how to continue. Gordon picked up on his elder brothers weariness and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"But…" Virgil sighed and sat down on a chair.

"There's this one cut which is…peculiar" Gordon nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"It seems. Self inflicted" He said slowly. Gordon's eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hair if it was possible.

"Your joking" Virgin shook his head. Gordon rubbed his face, this was just too much.

"He couldn't have. He would have said something" Gordon insisted. "He would have said something" he all but shouted at Virgil.

"I'm not sure" Gordon jumped out of his seat, glaring at Virgil, earning a startled look.

"Don't you dare go making these kind of assumptions Virgil! He has had to deal with us nearly dying in _space_, almost getting blown up, getting kidnapped by the Hood and most of all getting mind assaulted after seeing the girl he might have had a crush on being murdered!" Virgil looked near tears "So don't you dare, don't you fucking dare. Accuse Alan of cutting himself" After the rant Gordon stormed out of the room. Leaving behind a very guilty Virgil.

"I'm so sorry Alan" He whispered to his little brother.

* * *

"Scott! Do you have any news with the search?" Jeff asked as he entered the kitchen to where Scott, and John were. The two brothers were currently going out of their minds trying to figure out how the Hood escaped them.

"Nothing!" Scott yelled in frustration, whacking the computer screen "How can that mother-fucker escape us! He killed Tin Tin and might as well have killed Alan!"

"SCOTT!" cried Jeff in bewilderment. He may have let it slide back then but that was only because his baby boy was being mind tortured by a psychopath.

"Sorry dad but" he deflated on his seat "Alan hasn't woken up yet and I'm getting worried. More than before" Jeff softened and sat beside his oldest son.

"He will be back to normal in no time son. You know Alan, nothing can keep him down for long" Jeff laughed, causing Scott to smile a bit.

"I think this is different dad" Jeff frowned and rubbed his back.

"Yeah, yeah I know" John in the distance felt something wrong. He remembered what the Hood said about Alan. The other's all forgot since they were in the moment. But he didn't, what did the Hood mean by Alan feeling abandoned? They see him as much as possible, sure he doesn't live with them but, how could he live here while they run off to save people 24/7? He did know that they loved him right? Did they show it enough? Was the teasing getting out of hand? How much did they know about their little baby brother? He sighed heavily.

"John?" Jeffs voice broke his train of thought. He looked at the two, Scott looking concerned and Jeff looking worried. "Are you ok John?" his father asked softly.

"No" that answer seemed to make Scott's face scared "I meant it as concerned for Alan's wellbeing" that made his elder brother relax slightly. Jeff rubbed his face, looking at the time he groaned. Hearing some loud stomping down the halls they saw Gordon enter the room, red with rage. Immediately Scott jumped up.

"Gordon! What's wrong?" The glare he gave Scott was uncharacteristic.

"What's wrong?! What's wrong?!" He shouted full force and smirked darkly "That is the most stupid question I have ever heard" making wild gestures with his arms "I am just soooo pissed that we let Tin Tin die, and let the Hood get away" he took a deep breath, trying to relax "I thought that we would beat the bad guy like usual, not loose. The good guys always wins, but…why did the tables have to turn when Alan entered the chess board? It's not fair. He's only a kid and he saw his friend be murdered right before his eyes" he was completely calm and sat next to Scott who was looking at him with disbelief. Along with Jeff and John. This was so unlike Gordon. The fun, cheeky prankster was now the complete opposite.

"Talking about friends. Does anybody know how Fermat is?" John asked, Jeff's eyes widened.

"I forgot all about him on the way back home. But you three, need sleep" the three men wined but didn't retaliate. To be honest neither one of them could sleep while knowing that the Hood was still on the loose, and their baby brother was unconscious.

* * *

Virgil was sitting next to Alan. It's been 10 minutes since his little brother Gordon told him off for even mentioning or considering that their little brother was self harming. He sighed and heard the door slide open.

"Virgil, you need some rest" he craned his head to see his father walking towards him. He looked much older since they arrived home, tired lines etched onto his face. "I just sent the others to bed too"

"I can't leave him" looking at the unconscious form of Alan "He doesn't deserve to be alone" feeling a warm hand cover his he knew who it belonged to.

"I'll stay, you've done enough for today. Go get some sleep" Virgil looked at his father and gave in.

"Ok. Just – just please, keep him company" Jeff nodded and patted his son on the back as he left the room. Jeff sat down on the chair next to his baby son and held his hand.

"Alan, if you can hear me" fighting back the tears "Please, give me a sign. Anything to know your there" he waited for wait seemed like an eternity until he gave up. His baby was in there, he could feel it.

Then he felt the hand he took twitch.

* * *

**Ohhh, what will happen? Will Alan wake up and still feel that emptiness inside? Will John question him? **

**Review and fav if you want to find out. **

**Or let me know what you think or want will happen!**


	3. Save

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Thank you once again for the reviews and fav's. I love you SO much!**

**Keep reviewing and faving! (If that is even a word?)**

* * *

Jeff looked at Alan's hand in shock. Did his baby just squeeze his hand? Suddenly the heart monitor went wild. His heart was pumping loudly in his ears and all what he could do was watch Alan in shock. His body was still, then out of nowhere Alan's eyes snapped open and he was choking on the tube.

"DAD! What's happening?" Asked John as he and his brothers filed in but stopped once they saw Alan. Virgil snapped out of it and went into full Doctor mode, he ordered Scott and John to hold their little brother while he took the tube out.

"Alan. Alan stay still and don't breath" He ordered the teen as he relaxed "Now you'll feel a slight sting in your neck. 1...2...3" Virgil painfully pulled the tube out of Alan's throat, causing him to cough.

"…Water" John immediately supplied Alan with what he desired He took it gratefully and sipped small amounts, the feeling of cool water down his raw throat was heaven. The whole family were sitting around Alan, waiting for a response. "How long have I been out?" Alan croaked out. His blue magnificent eyes, were lessing that cheerfulness. John filed that away in his brain.

"About a whole day" Scott said, Alan noticed the black tired lines under his eyes, under everyones eyes.

_You did that_

His body stiffened, the voice was back, why couldn't it leave. He felt the urge to cut again. That nagging in his minds was making it tough to control himself.

"Allie, what do you remember?" Jeff said in a soft caring voice. He turned to his father and studied everyone. They seemed so tired.

_You cause them so much greif._

Alan sighed.

"I remember everything. But I'll be fine after a while" He stated. The brothers and father didn't buy it. _They _weren't even fine. John snorted.

"Yeah, lets hope so" Scott said while giving his brother a glare. Alan looked around and frowned.

"Where's Fermat?" his eyes were filled with worry, Gordon looked down at the floor. Jeff new that no-one was going to say anything so he did a quick lie.

"He's fine son. But I would first like to know how you four suddenly knew how Alan was awake" Alan couldn't hide the laugh at the brother's expression. Gordon rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Would you believe me if I told you it was Scott's maternal instinkts?" He asked, Jeff raised his eyebrows and looked at Scott's mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"No"

"But he's a mother hen! It wouldn't have surprised me if he did somehow develop it" Jeff sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, what was he going to do with Gordon?

"We may have been watching Alan through the security camera" Virgil confessed. Alan's eyes widened. He caused that much worry?

_You don't deserve them. You're too much of a failer! _

"You four should get some rest" their father said at the older brothers. Seeing as how they didn't look fazed. He narrowed his eyes "Actual rest! Same goes for you" he said sternly at Alan, who just nodded numbly. John felt his big brother instincts shake at that. But he didn't say anything, he didn't have any proof of something actually wrong. _He's probably still in shock from the Hood _he thought.

* * *

Alan stepped into the kitchen for breakfast the next morning and joined his brothers at the table.

"Hey sprout!" Virgil shouted as he sat down with a plate full of pancakes. Alan nodded in response and rested his head in his arms "I thought you were still sleeping"

"Well, you were obviously wrong" Gordon stated while getting Alan some food and placed it near him. Alan looked up and pushed the plate away, everyone raised surprised eyebrows.

"Alan, aren't you hungry?" Scott asked, a little push away from going mother hen on him. Alan shook his head.

"You haven't eaten in what, 24 hours?" Virgil stated, placing his hand on Alan's forehead, he pushed the hand away much to the surprise of the older brothers.

"Alan, you can't starve!" John nearly shouted at the little blonde. Alan shrugged and got up to get a glass of water. John followed him into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, watching Alan pour himself water "Ok, what's up with you?" Alan drank some and looked at John.

"Nothing"

"Your acting different. More, lonesome and….down" He stated, examining his baby brother.

"I'm fine, can you just drop it" Going to walk away but John grabbed his arm.

"No, something's bothering you and I'd like to know what it is" Alan turned around and glared.

"I'm _tired_, I had a nightmare" Johns face seemed to soften. And nodded in acceptance. But he could still tell something was bothering his little baby brother. And he was dam well set on finding _that_ out. Alan walked to his room and locked his door, his whole entire being was shaking as he slid down the wall.

_Lying is a sin Alan. _

He gripped his head and wished for the voice to just leave him. He took out his spare razor and cut a line on his wrist. And another, and another, and another. There was a sudden nock at the door which made him cut deeper. He winced in pain and saw his arm was dripping with blood.

"Alan? It's Scott, can I come in?" Alan mentally cursed in his mind.

"One second" He congratulated himself for not letting his shaking interfere with his voice. Getting up he wrapped some tissues on his cuts and pulled down his sleeve. He hid the blade under a book on the floor and opened the door, Alan saw a concerned face of Scott.

"Alan, can I come in?" repeating what he said earlier. Alan widened the door and let his oldest brother in. Scott sat down on his bed and seemed to be thinking of what to say. "You know you can talk to me, right?" Alan's face scrunched up in confusion, he wasn't used to this soft side of them, it was weird.

"Yeah, why?" leaning against the doorframe.

"Well, John mentioned that you had a nightmare and –"

"Is this what's it about?" he cut Scott of and chuckled. "Scott, it was a nightmare. A simple run of the mill, nightmare. Nothing big and spectacular, just a, nightmare" Scott sighed and nodded.

"We're just worried. You were attacked and kidnapped by a psychopath and saw your friend murdered by him!" Alan felt sick at remembering and ducked his head when tears threatened to fall.

"Get out" He said, Scott instantly felt guilty bringing up that subject and went ot comfort his little brother.

"Alan I'm –"

"GET OUT!" Alan shouted at Scotts face, his eyes red from crying. Scott nodded and closed the door behind him. Alan fell to the floor and curled up in himself.

_You are a disgrace. _

He placed his palms over his ears. Trying to block out the voice.

_Failer! The mistake of the family! _

His body shook with silent sobs. Why was he born?

_It was your fault Tin Tin died! If you looked back to check if her seat was secure she would still be alive! _

"Please go away. Go away" he whispered his plead. The voice chuckled darkly. Picking up his blade from the book he looked at his already scarred wrist and slid the knife deeper. His being stopped shaking and he sighed in relief. Realizing that he needed bandages he pulled the sleeve back down and cringed at the touching of his cut against fabric.

Opening his door he looked out in the hallway, empty. He slowly and quietly headed to sick – bay. The hissing of the doors opening he winced, he bee - lined for the medical cabinet and instantly took the bandage cotton. He wrapped it around his wrist and a bit up his arm, he didn't even remember making those cuts. After he was done, Alan kept the bandage and walked out of the room.

He didn't even realize that one of his brothers was watching on the camera.

* * *

**Ohhh! Which brother? Somebody knows the truth! **

**Review and fav if you want to find out!**

**Comment below and tell me you're thoughts!**


	4. The

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Thank you for reviews! Please keep on reviewing(: **

**Here's chapter 4 folks! **

* * *

John stared at the screen in shock. Millions of thoughts and reasons flashed through his mind, his emotions were going haywire. He was angry, worried, terrified and most of all scared. Why did his baby do this, no _is_ doing this to himself? Was the teasing getting too much? How did this go unnoticed! He exited the camera signal and rushed out of the room, he needed to find Virgil.

* * *

Alan walked calmly through the hallway to his room, but he had this uneasy feeling inside of him that wouldn't go away, like the calm before the storm. He shrugged it off and went to sit by the pool. He found Gordon treading water and Scott standing above him, he stopped in his tracks and saw feathers stuck to his body. What?

"Gordon you'll have to come out of there some time" Gordon chuckled but didn't back down.

"I'll take my chances thanks" Alan sat down in the shade and sighed. Scott huffed and sat next to Alan.

"What happened?" seeing Scott prying the feathers off of him.

"Gordon wanted to prove a point to dad about how I'm a mother hen" He frowned slightly, something was bothering him.

_You're bothering him! _

Scott sighed and rubbed his head.

"I'm sorry" seeing as how Alan was confused he elaborated "I'm sorry about how I brought up a subject you're not comfortable with" Understanding worked it's way into Alan's mind and he immediately deflated.

_You're making him apologize for something that wasn't his fault! _

"No, no it wasn't you're fault. I over reacted" Scott frowned, something wasn't right with Alan.

"Hey mother hen! I'm out and about!" Gordon shouted from the patio near the kitchen. Scott looked like he was about to blow a fuse.

"Get back here you friggin fish! Once I'm done with you you'll be nemo!" Scott shouted as he ran into the house, feather's trailing after him. Alan smiled, but it didn't meet his eyes.

_They won't even know you're gone. _

"Shut up" he whispered, making his way back into the house.

"Sprout!" Virgil's worried voice caught him half way into the kitchen "We need to talk" he said, making his way towards him, John behind. They both had the same look in their eyes. Worry.

* * *

"Virgil!" John shouted as he ran to the silo, there was John, fixing the stock in Thunderbird 3.

"Hey Johnny boy" he shouted on top of the red craft. His smile quickly turned into a worried frown. "What's wrong" his voice once filled with humor now with concern.

"I need to ask you something" he explained as Virgil made his was down "When you were cleaning Alan up, were there any cuts?" Virgil immediately stiffened and didn't respond. John got his answer. His heart caught in his throat. "Oh, dear god"

"I-I thought they were self inflicted" Virgil said "Were they?" John nodded and he felt sick. "We need to find Alan and-and just…what do we do?" he asked his older brother desperately.

"I thought you would know since you're a doctor and all" Virgil laughed bitterly.

"I'm a doctor, not a psychologist John" he rubbed his head in anxiety; they knew a secret that was terrible. A secret that belonged to their little brother and had no idea what to do about it "Maybe we should confront him?" John looked at Virgil in surprise.

"No!" he shouted "Do you have any idea what the repercussions that might make?" John calmed down and had a serious look in his eye "I'm scared ok? I'm scared for my little brother, and if we confront him…I'm scared what path he may take. He could kill himself Virgil" His voice was so tiny, like a child scared of a storm. It nearly broke his heart.

"But it may be the only choice" Virgil said "If we let it be, it could produce into something Alan and us can't stop. He could become addicted to it" He ignored the wince that came from John "He may already be on a self – destruction path" they both sat in silence for a while to produce all of this information.

"We should confront him" John conceded, Virgil nodded and went of a hunt to find Alan.

"I'll look in the kitchen, you look in his room" Virgil told John and they split up. It didn't take long for Virgil to spot Alan walking into the kitchen.

"He wasn't in there" John said as he came up being Virgil "But I found this…" and he held up a razor, spotted with blood. It make Virgil's insides turn.

"Sprout!" he shouted and walked towards Alan "We need to talk"

* * *

Alan looked at Virgil in confusion, but then his body froze at the sight of John holding his razor. His mind hurt at the thought of what they thought of him. Did they hate him? Did they want to dis-own him.

_They're so disappointed in you Alan. SUCH A DISGRACE!_

His heart was beating rapidly and he unconsciously turned his wrist inwards, even though it was covered with his jacket.

"Come on Allie, lets talk somewhere private" Just as John was about to lead Alan away he immediately bolted out the door "ALAN!" John shouted as he watched his baby brother run into the forest.

"I'm guessing those were the type of repercussions you were talking about" Virgil spoke up. John nodded dumbly and sighed. "Time to tell the family?"

"Time to tell the family" John agreed and pressed a button on his cam watch. "Dad"

_Yes son?_

Jeff's face appeared on the screen.

"Gather the family, we have some…specific news about Alan that we needs to share" he saw his fathers face twist into worry.

_Alan's ok right?_

"We're not so sure. Just round up the family and we'll meet you in you're office"

_FAB_

* * *

When Alan reached the beach he collapsed onto his knees and cried out in defeat. Why did this happen? He was so careful – the security camera's. How could he be so stupid!

_You fail in school and now you fail in protecting the one secret that depended on you're life! FAILER!_

He broke down and let the tears fall, his insides hurt from crying and he lay under the shelter of a tree.

John and Virgil were probably already telling the rest of his family. God he wish he had a razor.

_They'll hate you! If you go back now you'll be thrown out!_

Alan took out his sharpener from his pocket; he loved to draw and was pretty good at it. He remembered how he showed one of his drawings to Gordon when he was 10 and he responded with 'how gay!' For the next month he was being teased and joked on about that. He never showed one of his drawings to his family ever again. Even when he won an award for it, he pleaded to the teachers to not call his family. They were a little heart broken about how he went to so much trouble to do that, family should support a young boy, but did it any way.

He smashed the razor under his foot and took the blade to his wrist. He cut deeper than needed, and again and again and again. Soon he saw black spots appear in his vision and was greeted by darkness.

* * *

Virgil and John were sitting in Jeff's office and waited for the two to arrive.

"For the last time I'm NOT A MOTHER HEN!" Scott shouted to a grinning Gordon as they walked in.

"Oh, yes you are tweedy –" he immediately shut up at the serious faces of the three occupants in the room.

"Take a seat boys" Jeff said to the two and they sad down next to John. "Boys, explain to me why I called you all here" John and Virgil nodded and tried to control their tremors.

"Well, we'll just umm show you" John said as he put up the security camera catching Alan treating his cuts.

Scott couldn't believe what he was seeing. His baby, his responsibility was…cutting himself. Yes he, took care of his little brothers but none of them stood out like Alan. He was fierce, and whenever he got nocked down he always got back up again. Maybe his eyes deceived him. He was such a fool! When Alan needed him, he wasn't there. Why wasn't he there? How couldn't he see the truth? He loves Alan, and he failed him. IT broke his heart.

Gordon looked at the screen in shock. His mouth fell to the floor, what the fuck was he watching! He was watching his baby brother clean and wrap his self inflicted cuts, which were a lot, like it was a normal thing to do. But it shouldn't! How long was this going on for? How long had they not taken notice? Why did this have to happen to Alan! He has been through so much that it's not even funny. Why did this happen?

Jeff Tracy felt his heart break at the sight of what he was watching. His little boy, the youngest of his sons was cutting himself and none of them knew. This made him re-think of what he knew of his son. Yes, he hounded on him, gave him lectures on things that needed to be done correctly, but, did he step over the line. Probably. One thing for sure was that he would wrap his baby up in cotton wool and never take his eye off of him for one second when he see's him.

"Ok! What the fucking hell just happen!?" Was Gordon's immediate response when the video ended. John looked at the ground.

"…Gordon, shut up. Where's Alan?" Scott said numbly. He was still in shock, was Virgil's doctor side speaking. The two brothers smiled sheepishly.

"He kind of ran off when he saw me holding this" John showed everyone the razor and heard everyone take a breath. Scott snapped and burst out crying, Gordon comforted him and glared at the razor as if it was the enemy.

"We need to find Alan, pronto" Jeff said, his voice wavering in worry.

"He'll be at the beach" John said in a knowing tone. Everyone knew that was the place Alan went to cool off.

"Ok, you four go to the beach while I tell the government International Rescue is taking a break for a couple of weeks" Everyone nodded and didn't object. The four brother's rushed out of the room heading for the beach.

None knew what they had in store for them.

* * *

**ooh, the family knows! **

**Comment on what you think will happen next. Or tell me what you WANT to happen(;**

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**REVIEW pretty please with a cherry on top.**


	5. Broken?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Hey guys, got a review saying about the characters and yeah I totally agree with you. After a re-read the previous chapter I was like, oh crap, and immediately started to re-think their character's character. (if that even made sense)**

**Thank you for the constructive criticism 'guest'!(:**

* * *

The four brothers ran through the forest as if their life depended on in. Partially true since they just found out their little brother may indeed be suicidal. Coming to the beach they didn't find anyone. Not a sound was made except for the crashing of waves and their heavy breathing.

Scott rubbed his hair in frustration.

"Where is he?" Gordon shouted in anger and kicked a twig. John looked back and forth spotting a figure under a tree, he strained his eyes to see clearer. His heart broke at the sight.

"…Alan" he breathed. The rest followed his gaze and ran after their little brother.

"Oh, God! Please no" Gordon said as he started to hyperventilate at the sight of a pool of blood under the unconscious teen. "Virgil!" Virgil placed his two fingers on Alan's neck to find a pulse. He let out a breath at finding one.

"He has a very faint pulse. We need to get him to sick bay" instructing as he picked up the limp body of Alan. Scott followed suit as he trailed after the doctor, his heart was heavy but he stayed strong. John was about to follow but he saw Gordon. He was kneeling on the ground, breathing heavily. John keeled beside was was shocked to feel his brother hold him. Gordon wasn't like this, _none_ of them were like how they are now. And it scared him a little.

"Gordo _breath_, ok, breath" he instructed softly and imitated breathing. After a few seconds he calmed down and collapsed against his older brother.

"_Why_? Why is this happening?" He asked, voice thickened with tears "Please, tell me this is just a nightmare and I'll wake up any second" his voice sounded so tiny. John embraced his little brother in a hug and held his tears back.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Gordo. But it's real" he chocked on his sob "It's all too real"

* * *

Alan could hear a continuous beeping sound next to him and he swears that it was driving him nuts. He could also hear muffled sounds, like voices near him too. As it became clearer he noticed that it belonged to two of his brothers. Why were these sounds in his room? Come to think of it, he doesn't remember going to bed last night.

Suddenly memories flashed through his brain that he almost cried out in pain. He remembered seeing darkness, that comforting darkness that told him that the pain and fear would all go away. That everything would be ok, but it isn't. Cause it was pretty obvious that his family knew now, everything was going wrong. More so than last time. They probably hate him. Why wasn't he completely freaking out?

_Never good enough. Not living up to the expectations that you're father glued into you! Disobeying orders, fighting back, talking back, getting kicked out of school and now this! Like you're family hasn't suffered enough._

"We should have looked out for him more" Virgil's voice said "If we only spent more time with him, he may have_ trusted_ us enough with this" he heard the hiss of the doors open up and heard his father speak next.

"No, that was my fault" he said "If I only let him be homeschooled like…Tin tin. He may have never done this to himself"

"Ok, that is enough!" Scott shouted. There was a pause of silence and he could tell that he was trying to control himself from lashing out "Look, we have _no idea_ and _no clue_ as to why he ever started…_this_"

"I know you're awake sprout" Virgil said, Alan mentally cursed and peeled his eyes open from sleep. He looked around and saw the concerned faces of Scott, Virgil and Jeff.

"How can you always tell Virg?" He asked and noticed that he was wearing a bandage around his wrist. He was also in the too white infirmary. Awesome.

"It's called brothers instinct. But I guess I'm doing a pretty messed up job at that aren't I?" He said as more of a statement that a question. His stomache lurched at that, he blamed himself for the things he's done to himself. But why? He was the weak one, the mistake, it was all his fault.

"Virg…" Alan trailed off. What should he say? and it finally came to him like a smack. Oh god, they knew.

* * *

**WRITERS BLOCK!**

**Please, give me some options for the next chapter. I'm stuck!**


	6. Well

**Disclaimer: I do not own 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**The partay has arrived my lovelies! **

**This story has been bugging me for ever! It's just sitting there, mocking me because of my writers block.**

* * *

"Virg…" Alan trailed off. What should he say? and it finally came to him like a smack. Oh god, they knew. And by the looks on his families faces they think it was their fault. But it wasn't, it was his fault. _He_ was the screw up. _He_ was too weak. Why was this happening!?

"Alan. Son, can you just explain _why_?" Jeff Tracy said in a calm and soft voice. Alan's brow furrowed, this was so out of character for his father to be soft. He's usually hard and military…not like other dads. His chest tightened at the memories of their arguments.

_If you tell them. They'll disown you! You're not a Tracy, you're NOTHING! Just a weak pathetic excuse of a human!_

"I-I can't" he stuttered like a fool. Silence fell in the room like a fallen angel. Except the only fallen angel right now was Alan. He was broken. And he knew it.

* * *

Gordon got a hold of himself and sniffled. He vigorously wiped the tears away from his eyes and shakily got up. He had to get a hold of himself, he was no help to Alan like this.

"Gordon, are you sure you're okay?" John asked as he joined his brother, walking to the infirmary. Gordon's lip trembled, of course he was not alright. Nobody was alright. They just found out that their little baby brother was hurting himself for Christ's sake! But he wasn't as bad as Alan. What hurt the most was that they didn't know _how_ bad Alan was. It felt like a bee stinging his heart.

"No. And neither are you" When John was about to object he held his hand up. They stopped outside the entrance to the house and looked at each other "You're holding yourself together really well Johnny but…You can't pretend like your not scared. Heck I'm scared as a bunny! But, stop pretending, it's too much like.." he trailed off letting the unsaid word of 'Alan' in the air. John nodded mutely and they headed inside. Bee-lining for sick bay.

* * *

"Why can't you Alan?" Scott asked, fuming inside. Was it too hard to trust them? HE was already hurt that he didn't trust him. Scott, the older brother of the Tracy family. The one who comforted Alan when he was young, too afraid of the storms rattling outside his bedroom. The one who he confessed his fear of leaving home when Dad committed him to a boarding school. But it hit him like a baseball bat when he realized that he stopped. He stopped telling him stuff when he was sent away. In fact, he stopped everything he used to when he was gone.

"Because…" Alan trailed off, feeling the familiar sting of tears behind his eyes. No. No he can't cry in front of them. Shutting them tightly Virgil frowned. He looked at the two occupants of the room and gave them the stare telling them to leave the room. Jeff nodded and grabbed Scott's arm, giving it a slight squeeze. Scott deflated, giving his baby brother one last gaze before following his father out of the room.

Virgil sat on the bed next to Alan, staring at him and the white bandage around his arm. His throat went dry at seeing it. He felt disgusted at the thought of him not realizing what his little brother was doing to himself.

"Squirt, you know that you can tell me anything right?" he saw Alan's bright blue orbs, tainted with red and his face softened even more. But what stung was that he saw something, a little something at how Alan's brow furrowed. It was the look you got when somebody tells you a lie and you know it. Alan didn't think that he was lying, did he?

* * *

Out in the hall Scott and Jeff were leaning against the wall. Neither one of them spoke. Scott kept on thinking about how Alan only really became distant when he was sent away–no, don't say it like that! He was in school. The word 'sent away' directed a stab of pain into his chest. Did Alan feel like that? Or worse? He sighed and leant his head to the wall with a thud.

Hearing footsteps Jeff and Scott looked down the hallway to see two very serious brothers making their way towards them. John seeing the two outside and looking distressed widened his eyes in concern. Scott detected his brothers worry and shook his head. John visibly relaxed. Gordon took a deep breath and looked between his father and Scott.

"How is he?"

"He's not talking" Jeff said in a sad tone. Making the brothers raise their eyebrows, just realizing that this was affecting him just as much as them.

"Well, I'm not really surprised. He hadn't talked before so what's changed?" John asked as he leant on the wall opposite Scott who's mouth opened slightly.

"We have. We _know_, and whether he likes it or not he will have to talk" Jeff said in his usual commanding manner. Something inside Scott tingled with anger. His brother was hurting and at the knowledge of his father wanting answers he was concerned. For Alan.

"Did any of you realize at how Alan drifted away from us when he was sent away?" that word again stung. Everyone looked thoughtful and guilty. Especially their Dad.

"Oh" Gordon said with a mouth shaped like an'O'.

"I mean, yeah I noticed but..." John trailed off. He remembered how Alan used to talk to him every week, then it went to every month, then every two months, then. Nothing.

"I thought nothing of it, just him becoming independent" Gordon muttered as he slid down the wall to a sitting position. How stupid of him to think positively!

"He probably felt abandoned" John muttered, still putting on his commanding façade. Scott kept his mask in place, not letting his guard down again. He was humiliated before, big brother's comfort their younger siblings. Not the other way round. Sitting beside Gordon who's face was scrunched up, he didn't hug him. Just letting Gordon know that he was there.

"Yeah, poor kid" John said as he lowered his head in sympathy.

"We need to be there for him. For now on I don't want any of you to keep him out of sight. You hear me?" Jeff said as he eyed each and every one of him son's. Hearing the sick-bay door hiss open Virgil came out.

"I agree. In these cases it's for the best" The Doctor conceded. The three brothers nodded mutely.

"How's Alan?" Scott asked from his place on the floor. Virgil sighed and rubbed his hand through his hair.

"I just gave him a drug to put him to sleep. There are a lot of cuts all over his arms" everyone's eyes widened.

"Hang on, _both_ of his arms?" Gordon asked in outrage. How could his little brother do this to himself? How could he scoop this low into himself without anyone noticing? Virgil sighed.

"Unfortunately, yes. He is as I suspected depressed. Severely I may add" The hallway's air was filled with tension as they stood-and sat-in silence.

"What do we do now?" John asked.

* * *

**Review if you want more.**

**And I welcome any suggestions to this story!**


	7. I'm

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Well, I am excited to see how many reviews, favs and follows I'm getting. I feel like I'm on top of the world!**

**Here's Chapter 7. Enjoy(:**

**Please tell me if it's too sappy! I don't wanna be sappy!**

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Alan just wanted to scream, cry and curl up in a ball somewhere dark. He was so frustrated. _They knew_. Those two words kept on replaying in his minds like a broken record machine. _They knew_._ They knew_. THEY KNEW! His breathing heightened and tears began to sting his eyes. Curling his knees up to his chest, he gripped the back of his hair and clawed at his scalp. He was so damn tired of feeling.

The way Scott sounded when he didn't tell him why he did this to himself. He couldn't describe how he felt, he just _couldn't_. There were no words that _could_ describe how he sounded so angry, so annoyed. But was Scott annoyed? Surely not.

_Of course he was Alan. You are just a burden for them to bare._

He shook his head.

"No, no, no, no" body shaking with sobs. He wanted to die, he wanted to cut. Why could he feel? The emptiness was filling his body like oxygen. Clawing to get out, to just feel something. Alan looked up from the bed, he had to find something to cut himself with. Unhooking himself from the heard monitor he wavered on his feet for a second before finding his bearings. Looking through the draws he finally came across a scalpel.

He was about to bring it down on his wrist when he realized that they were bandaged. Frustration hit him again and he cried out silently. Everything was blurry as tears kept filling his eyes. Lifting his shirt, Alan cut his wrist over and over again. Sometimes he accidentally cut the same place twice, making it go deeper. He collapsed to the floor and curled up in a ball. His hand hurt from the tight grip he had on the scalpel, not even registering that his hand was bloodied.

He was tired, tired of feeling, and tired of living. Feeling some hands trying to pry the scalpel away from him. He only clutched it tighter and cried harder. He felt the wetness pool around his waist and felt an odd sense of contentment. Like he finally did something right. Hearing voices above him he peered out from his limbs and saw the concerned and scared gaze of Scott.

"…Scott?" he chocked on a sob and felt the emptiness become tighter around his chest. He didn't want to see Scott, not after the knowledge of him being a burden to him.

"Hey buddy" Scott cooed like a mother, "Come on, give me the scalpel" His hand outstretched. Alan moved the scalpel closer to him and he saw his brother's breath hitch. Suddenly the older Tracy was pushed aside by virgil, relief swelled within him at the sight of him.

"Alan just, please give me the scalpel" He said softly, putting his hand over the one used to hold the knife. Alan somehow unconsciously let go and felt sadness hit when it was gone. Like a part of him was missing. The tool used to make him a bit happy was gone. Virgil relaxed and handed the scalpel to the familiar figure of John.

"Can you get up?" Virgil asked. Alan shook his head. He didn't want to face anybody except Virgil.

"I only want you here" his voice was barely understandable from where he was curled up. You could only see his mop of sandy hair and blue eyes. Tainted horribly with red. Virgil frowned. Why only him?

* * *

Virgil stood awkwardly in the hallway. Yeah, he's a Doctor with a degree and shit but depression and self-injury is way out of his league. In medical school they made him research this stuff but that was years ago.

"Look, I don't really know" running his hand through his hair which felt like the billionth time this day. With a sigh he continued "I'll have to go through my old research I did when I was in medical school. It's packed away somewhere in my room" they all nodded, feeling a little bit more relaxed at the thought of someone knowing what to do.

"Well, I'm going to go find that research. Gordon you can help. The rest of you go help your brother" Jeff ordered as he lead Gordon away from the group.

"How exactly do we help Alan? I mean, we barely even know what's wrong!"

Just as he was about to respond they all heard a sound of skin hitting the floor. The trio shared worried looks before racing into the medical room. The scene before them made their blood run cold. Alan, their little Alan was curled up on the floor holding a bloody scalpel near him. His body shook with audible sobs, it hurt their ears to hear such sorrow. Scott rushed forward and knelt beside his baby brother. His hands hovered above the teen before resting one on Alan's. Alan's head slowly rose up and locked eyes with the elder Tracy. His eyes were red from the tears, almost making him look possessed.

"…Scott?" Alan chocked out, voice sounding so broken.. Scott put on a fake smile, it almost faltered him as he saw Alan's eyes fill up with more tears.

"Hey buddy. Come on, give me the scalpel" Not once did his voice waver. Fear coursed through his veins as he saw Alan pull it closer to his body, like a child with their teddy bear. Hit breath quickened as he saw the blood, oh god the blood on his baby's hands. Feeling another body push him aside Scott hears the sound of his shoos squelching. Looking down at the floor he saw that there was blood there also. He had to bit back the tears threatening to come. Where did they go wrong? Hauling himself up to his feet, he felt the presence of a body behind him.

Turning around he saw the stiff figure of John. Noticing that his little brother's jaw was tense, he knew that he wasn't the only one fighting the tears to come.

"Alan just, please give me the scalpel" Hearing the soft voice of Virgil broke him back into reality. To be honest he didn't like reality at the moment. He saw-and couldn't believe-Alan let go of the scalpel.

John's legs felt like they were going to buckle any moment as he saw Alan let go of the weapon he used to harm himself with (He honestly wanted to melt that little buggar). He also noticed how Vigil held it out to his direction to take it, John did as he was instructed and placed it on the bench behind him.

"Can you get up?" Virgil asked. Alan shook his head slowly. Everything was slow. And it was indigenizing the brothers.

"I only want you here" his voice was so quiet that they could barely make out the words. John and Scott were feeling so utterly useless. Their baby brother wanted Virgil. And Virgil only.

"Okay" Virgil softly replied. He looked back at Scott and John with a pleading expression. John was about to argue when Scott grabbed his arm, dragging him outside the room.

"What are you doing?!" John almost shouted at Scott. But he then realized the expression Scott was wearing. He looked worn out.

"It hurts me just as much as it hurts you, not being able to be there for Alan. But we have to let Virgil help Alan. _He's_ the Doctor. So be quiet and let him do his job" Scott said in his older brother tone. John knew that there was no use in arguing so he sat on the floor. Waiting.

* * *

"Okay sprout. There gone, let me look at your cuts" Alan looked at Virgil, then hesitantly and painfully uncurled himself and sat up against the draws. Virgil leant closer and lifted his brothers shirt up. Gasping at the sight before him. There were more than 10 cuts tittering Alan's waist-up. He looked at Alan's broken feature upon his face.

"You hate me don't you?" Virgil almost pounced at him with a hug and never planning to let go at the sound of how cracked he was.

"No. No baby, I'm not" Alan didn't seem to fully believe him. Examining the cuts he decided that none of them needed stitching. Virgil reached to one of the draws which supplied him with the medical equipment he needed.

The 15 minutes were spent in deathly silence. Alan just looked at the wall opposite him, eyes drifted far into an unknown world. Virgil tried to concentrate on fixing Alan up, but kept on reverting to thinking about how to play out his next move. When he was finally done he sat back and stared at Alan.

"Alan?" seeing as he got no response he just voiced his question "Sprout why are you so head-set on harming yourself?" he got a reaction out of that one. Alan looked at Virgil with glassy eyes.

"Because, when the emptiness is too much to handle. Or the stress. Or just life in particular, I need to let it out. Like the cute are a door to freedom. And after a while, it just became a habit. And then I realized…" He trailed off. Just seeing at how much he said. Virgil frowned and wrapped his baby up in a hug.

"You realized what sprout?" Alan chocked on a sob and he felt his shirt turning wet.

"I realized th-that being human, is so destructible" Virgil nodded, another thing that is wrong with this world. Destructibility. Once you understand how to harness that, you can't turn back. And the thought of Alan understanding that broke him in ways more than one. Why did this have to happen to Alan?

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**Review if yah want more.**


	8. Begging

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Many of you may be wondering why I name the chapters with the certain type of words. Easy answer. There little snippets twisted by me from the song "Can You Feel My Heart" by Bring Me The Horizon. I thought that the song kinda fitted this story when I wrote the first chapter. **

**I LOVE THE REVIEWS BY THE WAY!**

**It warms me wee little heart. **

* * *

Alan sat in his bed, knees brought up to his now pulsing waist, the pulsing felt good for some reason. Comforting, actually. Virgil was sitting opposite him, staring intently. As if he was a puzzle he couldn't work out. Technically, he was right.

"You do realize that I have to tell dad and our brother's right?" Virgil asked softly. Alan just nodded mutely, staring as his hands over his knees "You need rest" Before Alan could object he saw the world spin, darkness was creeping in from the corner of his eyes. Soft hands gently placed his head on the pillow. His eyes slowly closed and fell into unconsciousness.

Virgil breathed a heavy sigh and sat on his chair. He just drugged his little baby brother. And now he had to face the music. AKA his family. Giving one last glance at Alan he headed out to the door. Hearing them open Virgil saw Scott and John with serious expressions.

"Well?" Scott asked.

"He's asleep" they both looked at him in confusion.

"How did that happen, he's like–Oh" John said in horrid realization. He massaged his temples, waiting for Scotts burst.

"You drugged him? _Drugged_ him!? He trusted _you_ Virgil. You! And then you drug him. He just had a mental breakdown, cut himself and you drug him! Do you have any idea how much you made his trust vanish right now? The repercussions that may follow?" Scott was now heaving, gasping for breath. But his expression softened after seeing Virgil's pale face. His little brother held his head in his hands.

"Oh my _god_. What have I done?" John was at his brothers side in an instant. Giving a direct glare at Scott.

"He probably wouldn't have noticed?" John offered. Virgil shook his head.

"I just needed him to sleep. His mind is unstable and his cuts were bad…sleep helps the tissue cells repair. And hopefully the mind" Virgil took a deep breath and tried to gather his wits. Hearing hurried footsteps in the hallway the three brothers turned to see Jeff and Gordon hurrying down with a bunch of boxes. Virgil's notes probably inside.

"We've found your notes and information" Jeff announced and put the boxes down on the floor. "Any news?" the three brother's all shared a look.

"He's sleeping. But there were some…complications" Jeff felt the air get nocked out of him. What did Alan do?

* * *

Alan opened his eyes and saw that he was in a room, it looked like an abandoned. But what confused him most that it looked like a rubber room. Ones you see on Tv in a psychiatric hospital.

"Alan" a familiar sing song voice Alan dreaded. It sent chills down his spine, and fear in his blood. He chocked on his breath as from the corner of his eye he could see the bold head of the hood slowly make his way past him "How nice of you to join me" Alan closed his eyes and wished that this was just a dream and he would wake up any second "Oh, you want to leave already Alan?" He felt the hot breath caress his face and knew that the Hood was standing in front of him "But you just arrived. Hasn't _your_ father taught you any manners?" He twitched at the mention of his father "Then again. He was never there when you grew up" the fake sympathy evident.

There was silence.

Slowly, he peeled his eyes open and saw the moldy rubber wall in front of him. His mind panicked and he turned around in a circle, looking everywhere and saw nothing. He laughed in relief and rubbed his hand over his face.

"I was never gone" The loud voice of the Hood said from behind him.

Alan screamed and heaved forward in the hospital bed. He could hear his heart beating rapidly in his head. His body was shaking like a leaf and tears of fear prickled his eyes. Looking around the room hastily, he saw nothing. But he was now scared. Scared that he was still there, quickly he checked his back. Nothing. Gripping the sheets he curled up into a ball on the bed and tried to comfort himself.

_There's nobody Alan. Nobody is here for you!_

The voice in his mind told him. Cupping his ears, Alan tried to block out the voice. No, they were there for him. He's family. He matters.

_Then where are they. Even the Hood knew that your _father _wasn't there when you grew up. _

Alan's heart grew tight at that news. He knew that he was the only Tracy son to be sent off to school. But that was because of Thunderbirds. Thunderbirds always comes…first. A tear slipped down his cheek at realization. Does his father love his work more than him?

_Complete strangers are more important to save than you Alan. His own son! Thunderbirds are more important. _

But his best friend, Fermat went to school with him! Does that mean Fermat is less important?

_Fermat was sent away because his father didn't want you to get lonely! You see him and his father interact, he's loved. You separate them! _

Alan hid his head under the covers, as if protecting him from the outside. He isn't important. Virgil was always there. He always cared, he always fixed him up when he fell. Helped him with essays and gave him advise on class. When everyone else was…not there. He absently traced his white bandage as he stared into the white sheets. His eyes burned after the tears were spilled, and cheeks hot. He felt, nothing. He felt emotionless. And it was annoying in some degree and confused him. shouldn't he be in the state he was before?

His mind somehow searched for reasons to hate himself, and it felt good. Why did it feel good? Was he crazy? Somehow, he didn't care.

* * *

Jeff sat in his office chair, stunned by the news of what happened while he and Gordon were searching for Virgil's notes.

"You left him _alone_ in a room with _sharp_ _objects_?" voice a void of emotions, and deathly calm. Virgil looked down at his notes he and his brothers were currently going through in shame.

"Yes. But he was _sedated_. It should have nocked him out for some time" sighing with frustration. This has been a long day. Scott cursed under his breath.

"If the sedative didn't work before. Then why would it work now?" looking at everyone with a serious and worried look. Virgil rushed out of the room without a seconds hesitation, everyone else on his heels. When coming to the glass doors he turned around and looked at the scared faces of his family. Dreading this moment.

"You all need to stay out here" he ordered calmly. Gordon chuckled, no humor laced in his voice.

"No. Hell no. No with a fucking cherry on top!" he shouted.

"I'm seeing my son"

"Sorry Virg, but Alan needs me" the protesting were getting louder and louder as Virgil tried his hardest to calm everyone down. Scott was glowering in the background, you could almost see the steam coming out of his nose and ears.

"Shut up!" He shouted. Stopping everyone in a deadly silence "Alan, for some reason, only wants Virgil. So I think that letting the person who he deems worthy to talk to, we should let in. _Alone_" Jeff sighed heavily after a moment of contemplation. He pointed a finger at Virgil, dead set expression on his face.

"I want to know why the sedatives aren't working by the end of today. And some information about Alan's motives behind this" Scott and his brothers gaped at their father as he walked back to his office. Did he think that Alan had another agenda to his depression?

"What crawled up his ass and died?" Gordon asked as his nose twitched in aggression. Kinda like a bunny. Scott glared and scrunched up his fists.

"I'll talk to him" then there was three.

"I'm just going to make Alan some" John said;checking his watch he laughed "Breakfast. Wow, I'm surprised were standing on our feet" Virgil now noticed the dark circles under his brother's eyes.

"We were all probably running on adrenalin. Go get some sleep ok? I'll fix up Alan some food" John scoffed.

"Yeah right. I'll sleep once your asleep"

"I'll help cook" Gordon said as he lead John off. Virgil hastily entered sick-bay and saw a curled up ball under the blankets. He sighed and sat on the chair besides Alan's bed.

"Hey sprout" He got no response. Sighing he took another approach "Do you know why I call you sprout?" It felt like hours before he finally got a response.

"…Why?" it was barely noticeable, but Virgil heard and his heart soared.

"Because, you were always growing up like a plant. Your weeds were reaching out to find and create new ways to stand up. Or in your case, stand out. I remember how you used to draw. By god, every time you drew something new, it was always unique. Always different to anyone else' always gave them to me, with such a proud look on your face" He laughed "Somebody would have thought you won the Olympics or something. But your way of talking, always objecting and putting your own little point in" he laughed at a memory "I remember how you sat in on a meeting with dad and us and, Scott was saying how all the Thunderbirds were the same colour. You just piped up and offered about them being different colours, representing their individual personality. You made dad's head turn with that idea. And whenever we even mention their colours, the vein just above his eyebrow looks as if it is about to explode. Damn, he was so annoyed at how he never even thought of that" Virgil stopped talking and noticed that he could see half of Alan's head, his blue sea eyes staring at him intently "You're the most unique person in the family Alan. And I can't imagine anyone turning out the way they are today if weren't for you" Virgil smiled as he saw Alan's eyes lift a bit, as in there was a hidden smile behind the sheets.

"Can you tell me funny stories about when we were little?" He heard the tired voice of Alan and hid a smirk. It felt like old times when they were young and Alan couldn't sleep so he sat next to his bedside telling funny home stories until he slipped off to sleep. He ruffled Alan's hair affectionately, his heart clenching at the old memories.

"Of course sprout. So when Scott was in high school, I found out there was a play auditions going on. So obviously I signed his name up and –" Virgil's voice trailed off as Alan slipped off into peaceful dreams. Feeling safe at the knowledge of someone looking over him. He wasn't aware of his older brother tucking him in, or the kiss on his forehead. He just knew that someone he trusted was there. And that was all that he needed to feel a little bit loved.

* * *

**So, I stayed up late at night and finished this off. Who needs sleep nowadays?**

**Review if you want more!**


	9. On

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Special – Stormskies89, holy crap! You are awesome, seriously, "near perfection"? That made my mind go in a frenzy at hearing that. I'm so honored for somebody to say that about one of my stories. Truly, thank you.**

**And I just watched an amazing movie on Tv called "Catch Me If You Can". Check it out sometime. It gave me some suggestions for this next chapter.**

**I'll be working on "Loki Messing With Time" this week if I can. I'm having a serious mental block about that story. So I did a new book cover to try and get inspiration.**

**If you know any good lyrics for the chapters I will be more than happy to put them into consideration.**

**Chapter 9 is up! (I've always wanted to say that)**

* * *

Virgil watched Alan sleep, he looked so innocent, like nothing was wrong. It almost made him cry in hopelessness. He yawned deeply and stretched out his limbs, god he was tired.

"Dude, you look like a zombie" He jumped in his seat at the sarcastic tone. Looking behind him he saw his little brother, and was shocked to say the least. His normal straight ginger hair was messy, dark circles under his brown hazel eyes and tired lines tittered his young features.

"Gordo, you need to sleep. It's bad for your health" Gordon chuckled and brought up a chair next to Virgil as quietly as he could. Not wanting to wake Alan up.

"How's he doing?" Virgil saw the worried glint which sparked in his eyes.

"He's sleeping, which is good. It'll give his brain time to relax and cuts to heal. We'll probably have to get him medication-no-we really need to give him medication and to find out the cause of all this" Gordon nodded and shifted in his seat.

"You don't think that I had anything to do with this right? with the depression?" Virgil met Gordon's eyes. They looked so sad, so desperate that he had to stop himself from looking away.

"I don't know Gordo" Gordon nodded and sighed.

"Have you found out why the sedative doesn't work on Alan?" Virgil's head snapped up so quickly, that he almost got whiplash

"Son of a bitch!" He raced around the room, getting various vials, chemicals, telescopes and papers. Gordon shook his head and stared at Alan's sleeping form.

"I hope you'll get better little brother. Cause your scaring the sh-"

"Gordon!" Virgil shouted from across the room. The younger brother turned around sharply, giving Virgil a glare for shouting. Marching his way over.

"Dude, be quiet. He needs sleep" Virgil grimaced but handed Gordon a piece of paper with complicated equations and a tube with blood in it. He noticed one of the paper's was a prescription.

"Sorry. But I need you to send this to Dr Price, the chief of Department of Health. It's right here on the top of the first page" pointing to the left corner of the paper "And a prescription" pointing to the paper. Turning around he took out a stamp and placed in on the blood vile "I took Alan's blood when we first brought him in, just in case something happened. And the paper if just important stuff you don't need to know" Gordon looked like he was about to drop on his face by the look he was giving Virgil.

"Sometimes I wonder why you were never a boy scout Virg" Virgil nudged Gordon outside and watched as he tripped a little. He laughed and checked at Alan. Still asleep. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Making his was over to the chair, he sat down and held Alan's hand. Closing his eyes, Virgil slipped into a deep sleep.

* * *

Scott marched down the hallway to his fathers study. Ears burning with rage. How dare he not believe his youngest son of depression. He's used to his father being hard headed but this is stepping over the boundaries. Pushing the doors open, they banged hard on the walls. Making his visit look like ones from movies.

Jeff turned around behind his desk and dropped a file he was holding on the hood.

"Scott. What have I told you about manners? You should respect-" He never got to finish his sentence as Scott grabbed his coller of his top and hauled him foreword. Making him practically lying on the desk.

"Respect? _Respect_! Is that what you call it? How about _respecting_ your _youngest son_ of being mentally ill!" Scott shouted at his father. He pulled him over the desk, making pictures, files and lights fall to the floor, along with Jeff. He towered over the old man, murder written on his face "What made you judge him? What made you not believe him!" gripping him once again by the coller and push him against the wall harshly.

"Scott!" Jeff tried to stop his eldest son. Too shocked to do anything else.

"Shut up! He has cut. He has cried. Heck, he has even had a mental breakdown right before my eyes! And where were you? _Where were you_!" slamming his father against the wall again "You were on the other side of the fucking house! And where were you when Alan was at school? You were on the other side of the world! You haven't, for 9 fucking years been there for Alan. 9 fucking years" slamming him again "And it has only taken me this long to realize it. You abandoned him. No, our family has abandoned him! He was only 5 dad. 5! And he lost his mother. We were older, but he was only a baby. We haven't been there for him. And his depression had probably sunken in years ago. He's probably cut deeper. Maybe been suicidal. He shouldn't have cared for us. I wouldn't have. But when the hood came, he was kidnapped, maybe beaten and watched his friend being murdered right before his eyes. And yet, he saved us. He let the Hood hurt him so he wouldn't hurt us. So don't, don't you fucking dare" Slamming Jeff harder "Think Alan is faking this. Otherwise, you'll loose more than one son" Scott let go of his father and walked out of the room.

Jeff was left there, standing shell shocked. He only didn't believe his son because he couldn't. Alan was always the chirpy and rebellious kid. Faking being sick to try and come home. _To try and come home_. He clasped his hand over his mouth and tears filled his eyes. Dropping to his knees Jeff tried to keep his sobs in. Oh god, what has he done to his baby?

* * *

Scott rushed to the bathroom, feeling nauseous. Blasting through the door he beelined for the toilet. Kneeling next to the toilet he threw up. He's never, in his life acted that way to his father. His commanding officer. He leashed out. What he did, what he's done, was against every code in his book. He was trained to follow orders, to respect his commanding officer. Not beat them up and slam them into walls.

Flushing the toilet, he shakily went to the sink and rinsed his mouth. Splashing some cool water on his face Scott sighed in strain. Everything was happening. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he was shocked. He looked like he just crawled out of the grave. Deciding to get some rest Scott walked slowly to his bedroom. Hoping that everything would resolve itself tomorrow. Checking his watch he chuckled. Scratch that, this afternoon.

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**So, finished this chapter. Yay! Thought I never would with everything that's going on at home. **

**Review if yah want more! **


	10. My

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while, everything was hectic at home. I had to get an MRI, blood tests and everything cause of my 'unexplained headaches'. **

**Wish me luck and hopefully nothing turns up!**

**Warning for some language.**

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John placed pancakes out on the dining table, too tired to even care that Gordon was sleeping on his batch. It was currently 7am in the morning and too much has happened to even account for. Plopping himself onto the chair, John leaned on his elbows and slowly ate his food. Hearing footsteps echo in the hallway he looked up to see a pale Scott. His eyes widened at the state.

"How'd it go with dad?" hearing no response he grimaced "That bad?"

"Wouldn't be the half of it" He responded and sat next to his younger brother with a deep sigh "I did the unthinkable"

"It can't be _that_ bad" seeing the look of regret deepen on the older Tracy John stared in horror. He knows Scott does bad things when he's pissed "What did you do?"

"I went against my military training and almost beat the crap out of dad" he placed his head in his hands and groaned. John was gaping like a bloody puffer-fish.

"_You_? Scott Tracy? The one who follows orders to the T?" Scott nodded "Oh, _shit_"

"What am I going to do?" John's heart hurt. His older brother wasn't the same after the Hood. And even worse Alan is mentally unstable. What the _hell_ is going on with this family?

"I-I don't know" suddenly a loud crash came from the hallway, causing Gordon to jump in his seat with a maple pancake stuck to his cheek. Scott laughed despite his overwhelming regret. Gordon blinked away the sleep and scratched his cheek, he immediately jumped back in surprise at the funky subject that seemed to be occupying his face.

"What. The. Hell. Is" he paused to peel the pancake off his cheek with disgust written on his face "_This_?" He sniffed it.

"It's a pancake Gordo" John responded. Realization dawned on the younger Tracy. He shrugged and took a bite.

"Not half bad" Scott chuckled.

"Gordon clean that mess up on your face" the strong voice of their father stopped Scott's laughter. He shifted in his seat and coughed.

"I'm gonna, get a drink" he said and left the dining table, but he didn't get far before Jeff spoke.

"I'd like to talk to you after breakfast Scott" The young adult nodded silently and hurried to get some water. Gordon sniffed but choked as a bit of maple traveled up his node.

"Awe hell" he wined.

"Language" Jeff scolded. John noticed his eyes had a red tint and realized that he was crying.

"Um, dad what was that crashing noise?" he asked, after Gordon went to get cleaned up.

"I was getting some boxes down from the cupboard in the hallway and I accidentally nocked down some pictures on a table"

"What boxes?"

"Alan's old awards" he said in a soft tone. John's mouth went dry, and he went back to eating.

* * *

Alan woke up to the sound of rhythmic beeping. Already knowing where he was, the blue-eyed teen got up and crossed his legs on the bed. Seeing that his brother was sleeping besides his bed in the most uncomfortable looking chair he frowned. He did that to Virg, he shifted in his bed and felt the sting of fresh cuts rubbing against the bandage. The blood was pulsing in his waist and arms, he could feel every beat, it was comforting. And it made him a bit confused about why. Gently he got off the bed without making too much sound. Knowing Virg was a heavy sleeper, he gingerly pulled his older brother foreword, took his own pillow and placed it behind him.

"Sleep tight Virg" he whispered. Looking down at himself he cringed. He needed a shower and new clothes. But he was tired, why was he tired? Sighing and taking a deep breath he soundlessly left sick-bay and moved to his room.

Upon entering he noticed that the room was swept and disposed of sharp objects. Sighing, Alan opened the door to his bathroom which connected to his room and placed a mat next to the shower. Looking at his reflection, Alan saw that he was much paler than usual.

Taking his clothes off, the teen hissed as he peeled the bandage that was wrapped around the cuts. The dry blood that was connected to the fabric stuck, Alan groaned in frustration and felt tears start to make his way out. He was frustrated and tired of everything. His family knew and they took all the sharp objects away. As if they didn't trust him. He ripped the bandage off and cried out as some skin came off with it. He shakily turned on the shower and stepped into the warmth of the water. Tears poured down his cheeks, hotter when they mixed with the steam. His cheeks burned red, making his eyes sting. He sobbed and laid his head against the wall, water running down his back. When the hot water made contact with the cuts, they throbbed in satisfaction.

Abruptly he burst out into more sobs and shakily curled up into a ball underneath the hot sprays of water. Everything was happening at once. As if this was a nightmare he couldn't escape. He wanted out, he just wants to fell good, but at the same time he would miss the emptiness. He's so confused.

He stayed in there for what felt like hours, he just couldn't find the motivation to get up. But he knew that his family would probably be looking for him. Getting up, Alan turned the shower off and wrapped a towel around himself.

Quickly drying up he put on a red t-shirt, black jeans and converse. The whole time he hissed as the skin made contact with fabric. Finally finished, he made his way back to the sick-bay. But saw that Virgil wasn't anywhere. He frowned and looked around. The lights started flickering, casting gastly shadows across the room, Alan backed away but bumped into a figure behind him. Turning around he came face to face with the Hood. A sickening smile graced the bald mans lips.

"We have work for you Alan" he produced a knife and stabbed him in the stomach. Blood made its way to his mouth, choking. He dropped to his knees and doubled over "Kill Jeff" he whispered into his ears.

Alan opened his eyes to the ceiling of his bathroom. Gasping for breath he quickly checked his stomach. He breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't harmed. Getting up off the floor he swayed for a moment. Finding his balance, Alan opened the door into the hallway and walked down to the sick bay. When he entered Virgil was still sitting in his chair and fast asleep. Alan felt a chill up his back and felt something behind him, his heart pounded in his ears and dared himself to turn around.

Nothing was there. His breath caught his throat as the lights flickered again, a manic laugh echoed in his ears. With vain Alan covered them, trying to block it out.

'_Kill Jeff Alan' _

The hoods voice repeated. Suddenly everything stopped and Alan was breathing hard.

"Alan?" Virgil asked from behind causing the young Tracy to jump and turn around. Concern leaked off of Virgil "Alan what are you doing up?" before he could respond his eyes turned to the back of his head and collapsed on the floor.

"Alan!"

* * *

**I hoped you liked this one.**

**Please give some helpful criticism and you thoughts on this chapter.**


	11. Knees

Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'

Sorry for not updating soon. Had to get inspiration for this chapter. So, there i was at night in my bed, lying eye wide thinking 'I should so write this down'. And tada! a chapter is born!

enjoy my lovelies(:

* * *

Alan lay on the floor of sick bay. He knew he was there, he could feel the cold plastic floor. He could feel the echoes of feet hitting the ground. He could feel Virgil's hands squeeze his shoulders. He knew he was there. Yet he wasn't. He couldn't move, not a muscle. Even the thought of it sounded ridiculous. Panic rose in his chest, he couldn't move. He couldn't shout for help. If he did the sound just faded as quick as it came. The sound of his older brothers voice was as if he was underwater.

_Kill Jeff Alan_

The Hoods voice returned. Alan's panic built, he wanted to get out. He wanted to open his eyes and run. But he couldn't.

He couldn't.

* * *

Virgil ran, as fast as he could. Hearing Alan's body fall to the floor was bad. Getting on his knees he started to assess the situation. He squeezed his shoulders, seeing if he got a response. Nothing.

"Alan? Can you hear me? Alan?" Nothing. He started to panic and ran to get some herbal smelling tubes. He rummaged through the draws and finally found some. Rushing back to Alan he waved it under his nose and his little brother jumped awake.

"The hell!" he gasped and looked around panicky. Gaze resting on Virgil, he calmed down. Gripping Alan in an embrace he rubbed his back.

"You gave me such a scare Alan" he heard his baby brother take in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry" he repeated over and over again, and Virgil started to feel a wet patch on his shoulder. It nearly broke his heart.

"It's ok, shh" he soothed the poor boy down. Releasing him from the embrace Virgil put on a fake smile "Lets take a look at your cuts" he helped Alan to the bed and brought the bandages. Lifting the top up he saw the red angry cuts which were beginning to heal. He grimaced at how many there were "Ok. They don't seem to be infected. Lets look at your arms" looking at the arms he tried to ignore the pain he was emotionally feeling.

"I'm sorry" Alan whispered.

"I know you are squirt" Virgil rubbed his hair playfully, but getting no reaction. He sighed and got started bandaging up his brother.

* * *

Alan, throughout the whole mess, kept hearing those words of the Hood. "Kill Jeff", he was scared.

"_If you kill him, I will leave"_

It was tempting to say the least. Killing his father and spare his sanity. But what if he's already lost it?

"All right sprout. You're all patched up" the voice of Virgil broke him out of his dormant thought. Alan looked up at his brother with vacant eyes.

"What?" he asked in a dream like state. Virgil frowned and felt his chest tighten.

"I said you're patched up" Alan nodded mutely. He felt tired. And tired of being tired. He felt the familiar sting of tears and was annoyed. Why does he keep crying like a girl? The memory of Gordon calling and teasing him being gay came to him like a knife in the heart.

"Alan?" Virgil asked worriedly "Are you ok?" Alan wanted to scream and cry out no. No, he was not ok, he was far from ok. The Doctor placed a comforting hand on Alan's shoulder and sat beside him on the bed.

_You never meant to be born. So why should they care?_

Alan cried as the voice entered his mind. He thought the voice had left him. Spared him. But why would it spare a mistake?

"Alan? Tell me what's wrong" the calm and comforting voice of Virgil said.

"Make it stop"

Virgil bit his lip. Alan was finally speaking, he honestly thought that after the incident with the scalpel he wouldn't open up. Now he can help his baby brother.

"Make what stop Alan?"

_Don't be a burden Alan! If you tell him that your hearing voices what will he think?!_

"Shut up!" Alan shouted causing Virgil to jump.

"I didn't say anything"

"Not you...the voice inside my head" the words spilled from Alan without him even realizing what he said. But once he did, Alan immediately wanted to die. Virgil looked at him with wide concerning eyes. Alan wasn't psychitzophrenic. He couldn't be. Maybe he was talking about his angels and demons.

"You mean your conscience" Virgil helped. Alan shook his head with tears blurring his eyes.

"No! I mean the voices. They're saying things…" Alan moved away and got to his feet. Virgil followed the action, hesitantly moving foreword.

_He thinks your insane Alan_

The Hoods voice said.

_He'll tell the rest of your family. They'll lock you up in a mental institution. _

Alan moved further away from Virgil, shaking his head vigorously. They wouldn't do that, they love him. Don't they?

_Don't be so foolish. They hate you! They send you to so many different schools. And do you hear a peep from them? No! Kill Jeff Alan, it's the only way you'll be free. Without sorrow, without the teasing and without Jeff. The one who started all of this. _

"I won't I can't" Alan said. His family loves him. He would never hurt his family.

_If you don't, I'll kill Virgil._

Alan stilled. his blood ran cold and tears fell like rain.

_So, what's it going to be? Kill Jeff and I let him live. And if you don't, he'll die. You're choice Alan._

The blonde teenager shook his head and looked at Virgil with regret. He needed his brother to live, the one whose been there for him. For everything. Didn't matter if he hated him after killing their father, he just needed him to live.

He took a deep breath and cleared his eyes of tears. Scrunching his hand into a fist Alan swings his arm.

"Alan! What are-" Before Virgil could even think of finishing his sentence his face collides with Alan's fist. He recoils from the hit and rubs his jaw in pain.

"I'm sorry Virgil I have to do it" Alan says. Virgil looks at his brother with confusion.

"What do you mean!?" He shouts.

"I have to kill dad Virg. Or the Hood will kill you. He's in here" He taps to his head "Inside my head"

And suddenly, it all clicks. The Hood killed Tin Tin to get her power, but not only to increase his ability, but to be able to control Alan's thoughts. So he could break his family down from the inside. He couldn't sedate Alan because the Hood would reject it's effects. And the voices Alan told him about, is just the Hood. Its all the Hood.

"Alan, listen, you don't have to kill dad"

"Yes i do!" He shouts brokenly "Or he'll kill you! He'll kill you Virg" his red wide eyes were puffy and scared.

"No, he won't" but before he could finish Alan hits Virgil in the soft spot on his temple, nocking him out cold.

Alan's throat and mouth is dry, tears are coming to his eyes. Feeling the tightening in his chest Alan tries to scream. But nothing comes out. Gasping for breath he moves numbly to the medical supply and takes the largest sharp object there is. He feels sick, emotionally and physically sick. He moves to the kitchen where he guesses that his father is.

* * *

When Scott comes back to the table there's silence. Jeff is fumbling with a golden metal object that John can only guess that it's a medal of Alan's. he licks his lips and sips his water.

"What you holding dad?" Scott asks and Jeff chuckles with no humor. Just a memory. He holds it up and looks at it. Eyes clouded in a memory.

"One of Alan's medals. A spelling bee medal actually. He won it in fourth grade. So proud that he never took it off" Scott and John smiled, both remembering that week.

"Yeah, he kept on pestering me about it. Kept saying how much smarter he was because he could spell the word 'believe'" John said making everyone laugh at how innocent Alan was.

"Yeah, those were, simple days" Jeff said and frowned "Without all the sadness" the table filled with grief. They lost their mother 3 months after that. Alan's birthday a month before.

"I've, um, lost my appetite" Scott said and pushed his plate away. Jeff looked up and stood with Scott.

"I guess we can talk then" The color faded from Scotts cheeks that you could have sworn he saw a ghost.

"Ok" placing his mask in place. They both walked to the kitchen and talked in a hush whisper.

"I wanted to thank you. For knocking some sense into me" Jeff said. Not bothering to beat around the bush. Scotts jaw just about hit the floor with shock. It was one thing to be thanked, but another when its coming from Jefferson Tracy.

"Um" was the only thing that came out of his mouth.

"Shut your mouth Scott, you'll catch flies" his mouth shut with a snap "I am greateful Scott. If you hadn't done…what you did. I may have never realized how much I, as a father, cause pain to Alan. And may would have never helped him recover"

"Y-Your welcome, dad" Scott said, still in shock.

"Just don't make a habit of it or you will be off of duty for a month" Jeff said.

"Alan!" they both turned around to see Alan, looking down at John on the floor with a knife pointing at him.

"Where's Dad John?" He asked, voice cracking.

"Alan?" Jeff asks in disbelief. Alan looks up and takes a deep breath.

"Alan, what are you doing?" Scott asks slowly and walks from the kitchen to the dining room, Jeff following close. He was out of the striking distance, making sure that the knife wasn't in a dangerous position.

"I can't exactly say at the moment, because I'm not so sure of it myself" he chuckles sadly. John, wide eyed on the floor manages to slowly creep away on the floor. But before he could do anything Virgil and Gordon burst into the room.

"Dad! Get Dad away from Alan!" Gordon shouts.

"Alan's going to kill dad!" Virgil shouts. John pounces at Alan who manages to just miss him. he dives and uses his flexibility to slide past Scott. He pushes his father against the table and holds the scalpel to his throat.

"Alan! Stop!" Scott shouts arms up in a way to show that he won't hurt him. The rest of his brothers follow the position, wide eyed and shocked.

"Think about what your going to do" Gordon says.

"I have to!" he looks from his father to Virgil. Red eyed and scared.

"Son" Alan closed his eyes and felt a tear fall. He turned to his father who was smiling sadly "Don't do this" the teenager chocked on a sob.

"But he'll kill Virgil. And probably everybody i care about!" he closed his eyes "He already took Tin Tin" Jeff placed a hand on top of Alan's which was holding the scalpel. Slowly Alan opened his eyes and shook his head sadly at Jeff.

"Its ok Alan. I forgive you" He chocked on a sob and dropped his head.

"I-I I'm sorry"

* * *

**Review if you want to see what happens next!**

**Can criticize, but nicely, lets not be haters people!(:**

**I know, I am soo mean.**


	12. So

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**So So SOOOOO fricking sorry about not updating in like AGES! But I have been super duper busy. I was renovating my room (FYI it looks amazing!) and been freaking out about studying for classes and stuff.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Lying in his own pool of blood was not how Alan imagined his life to end. Hearing the loud banging of his brothers knuckles against the door was also not how he imagined it. The again, guess he never really had control over his destiny.

Fermat.

Alan's heart sunk at the realization that he never got to say goodbye to the best friend. Then again, he only caused him pain. If it weren't for Alan, he would have never seen his friend get murdered before him. Or get kidnapped by a raging psychopath. He wondered where he went with Brains. The teen chuckled dryly at the thought of his father arguing with Fermat's dad. The stuttering man standing his ground at the military man.

Though the chuckle turned to dry coughs and gasping for breath. His arm pulsed as he lay there. Finally he heard the door bang open, wood splinters flew everywhere.

"Alan! Alan, oh my god" Virgil gasped and grabbed a towel. He pressed onto the big open cut and felt burning tears make its way onto his eyes. Alan smiled tiredly at his brother and weakly placed his hand on the doctors.

"Its ok…" he slurred and his eyes began to flutter closed.

"No, no, no" Virgil stammered and lightly patted Alan's cheeks "Stay awake for me sprout. C'mon" Gordon chocked and hugged the stunned Scott. John's knees buckled underneath him, too frozen to cry "Alan!"

* * *

Jeff sat in his office, holding a napkin to his throat. Lightly dabbing a cut that Alan caused. He sighed and called Brains.

_H-H-Hello?_

"Brains? Its me Jeff"

…_What can I d-d-do for you s-s-sir?_

"Nothing, nothing at all. I just want to know how Fermat is doing"

_H-He's pretty b-b-brock-k-ken up. He's s-s-seeing a p-p-psychologist_

Jeff sighed tiredly. If only Alan could have been open up about his problems to him.

"That's good"

_Is-s-s that a-all Mr T-T-T-Tracy?_

"Yeah, Yeah that's all. Thanks Brains" he said and hung up. Looking at a framed picture on his desk, Jeff Tracy smiled and took a deep breath. He had to find the Hood.

* * *

Scott sighed as he looked at his baby brother by the pool. Their dad told him and Gordon to watch Alan as the others searched for the Hood. He remembered that moment when his brother broke down and let go of their father. It was as if the wind was knocked out of him.

"Dude, could you sigh any harder?" Gordon asked sarcastically from beside Alan. Scott knew that his jokes were just him trying to lighten himself up. But at a time like this, he would have thought the joker would've placed his cards on the table.

"…Scott?" Alan asked and looked up from the pool he was dangling his feet in. The older Tracy stood straighter.

"Yeah Allie?" he asked tentatively.

"C-Can I go to the bathroom?" he asked shyly. Scott smiled slightly and nodded his head.

"Yeah Kiddo. C'mon" Alan got up and tied his shoelaces. The sleeves of his top fell a bit and he caught a glimpse of the cuts. Something in his stomach twisted, he had to advert his gaze and caught Gordon's face twist into a grimace. The two brothers knew, and somehow they wish they wouldn't have.

Walking to the bathroom was full of tense silence. Even though it only took 30 seconds, it felt like 30 minutes. When they finally came to a stop, Alan slipped inside and locked the door.

Full panic rose inside Scott and ungodly thought filled his brain. What if he was cutting? What if he was drowning himself in the toilet? What if he was hanging himself with toilet paper? Stabbing his eye with the toothbrush? Floss! The floss can kill! When he reached for the doorknob he felt a hand over his. Looking up in a frenzy he saw an annoyed look on Gordon.

"Why are you panicking?" He asked.

"The floss can kill Gordo! We need to save Alan!" he shouted and reached again but was blocked by the younger brother.

"Dude, relax. He's just doing his business"

"You don't' get it! Alan could be killing himself! WITH MINTY FLOSS!"

"He's taking a piss"

"KILLING PISS!" Scott screamed. The younger man rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Stop being a mother hen and get it together man!" Their conversation stopped when they heard a flushing noise. Scott's eyes widened and leaped for the door but banged into Gordon, the two wrestled in a pack of limbs. When Alan opened the door he was met with a sight of his brother sprawled across the opposite wall. Gordon's hand was pushing Scotts face away while the other was holding him up. Scotts one leg was reaching out while the other was too far behind it. His two arms were reaching forward as if he was praying. In other circumstances, Alan would have laughed. But somehow, he couldn't. As if the laugh was still inside him, just unable to come out.

"What happened?" he asked in a monotone. The two brothers inhumanly unraveled themselves and stood up straight. Though some panic was still laced in Scotts face.

"The mother hen was released. That's what happened" Gordon muttered. He sighed and gently placed a hand on Alan's back leading him back to the pool while Scott was mumbling things about him not being a mother hen and how he should be paid to put up with Gordon.

* * *

In the bathroom Alan stood in the doorway after he locked the door. He looked at the window and faintly wondered if the room was high enough for him to jump and die.

_You should die! You failed the Hood and now he's going to kill Virgil!_

Alan felt like he was going to throw up. Gripping the edges of the sink he could faintly hear noise out of the door. His breathing quickened and he looked at his reflection, but it wasn't his, it was the Hood. Smirking.

_Hello Alan. You failed me._

The teen gripped harder on the sink.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't do it. I couldn't" his eyes became glassy and the Hood tutted.

_Now now. No need for that. I just want you to do one favor I know you'll agree to. What do you say? _

Alan shook his head. He couldn't kill anyone.

_What if I told you to kill yourself to spare Virgil._

That sparked his appeal. He nodded once and looked up. But it was his own reflection this time. Frowning in confusion he was startled when he heard a loud shut outside the door. Jumping, he quickly flushed the toilet. A rather loud scuffle was heard and he opened the door to a sight. Asking what happened Gordon scoffed.

"The mother hen was released. That's what happened" Gordon muttered. He felt his hand on his back and knew the gesture was to walk, the hand lightly pushed him towards the pool.

* * *

John threw a folder across the room, papers flying everywhere. Virgil sighed and looked up from his notes.

"John, calm down. You lashing out isn't helping us –"

"What! Its not _helping_ us?!" Virgil was about to say something but John cut him off "What exactly _is_ helping us Virgil! Cause this shit isn't!" He said and swiped all of the folders off the table.

"John!" the doctor shouted in shock "Calm. Down"

"How can I?!" he asked. Voice cracking at the end "Alan almost _killed_ dad, Virg. And we're just sitting here, fishing for things that aren't there. The Hood is gone, and he left Alan in a broken mess" Virgil stood up and embraced his brother. John sighed and hugged his brother.

"We'll find something. We have to"

_Maybe I can help._

The two turned around and saw Lady P on the screen. They were so happy to see pink at that moment.

"Miss P!"

_Yes boys. My men are hunting the globe as we speak for any sign or indication of the Hood. Facial and voice recognition is on as we speak_

The brothers were grinning and felt hope rising within them. Lady P was now frowning.

_Oh, and boys, I just want to say that I am truly sorry about Alan. I heard about what happened with Jeff and the cuts. I want to apologize for not noticing and taking action sooner-_

John cut in "Lady P, its not your fault. We should have noticed and-"

_No you don't understand. I noticed a cut on Alan when we were trapped. I asked him but he said it was nothing. I should have noticed the sign of depression sooner. I'm trained at this but my emotions got the better of me. I just want to apologze and hope you will forgive me._

John and Virgil were taking in the new information. Virgil felt his chest tighten as he understood what Lady P was feeling.

"I understand Miss P but, it wasn't just your fault. I noticed as well but waved it off as be being a paranoid brother. But we forgive you, even though it wasn't just your fault" She smiled and accepted the gesture.

_FAB boys_

"FAB" the two said and the screen went back to its search engine for the Hood.

* * *

**This would have been the other start of the chapter but it didn't really fit. Thought I'd show you guys since I kept you waiting (still sorry about that).**

Life, is nothing but a lie. We are born into this world and tasked jobs. We are born without instructions. Our lives are nothing. We are nothing.

* * *

**Any suggestions as to how Alan ends up on the floor? **

**Review or criticize (_nicely_, I hate the haters) **


	13. Sorry

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'**

**Wow, been a while. **

**Since a very happy halloween coming around the corner, I am committing this story for you guys! **

**A lot happens in this chapter (look at me, spoiling you).**

**HAPPY HALLOWEEN!**

* * *

Alan walked numbly back to the pool. This could be his last day with his family. Laughing at that thought, _family_, they weren't a family. Not anymore. They were soldiers, well, _they_ were he was just a bunch of meat. The cast out, _unwanted_.

No, he was wanted by Virgil, the only person that made him feel like he was alive. There used to be others, Tin Tin and Fermat. His crush and best mentally laughed, look how that turned out. Tin Tin was murdered and God knows how Fermat is doing. Probably keeping himself far away from him. His thoughts turned to his brothers Yes, his brothers used to make him feel alive, especially his father. Smiling at the memory of how he used to go to Scott whenever there was a thunderstorm. But the smile soon turned to heartache when he remembered overhearing Scott talking to the rest of his brothers about that

_A 5 year old Alan hobbled down the staircase, jumping at the sound of crackling thunder. Hearing voices coming from the living room, he snuck near the door and opened it quietly. Seeing Gordon, John and Scott he was about to walk in, but stopped as he heard his name._

"_Alan would be waking me up by now" Scott said in an annoyed tone "God he can be so annoying" the others laughed at that. Alan almost stumbled back in shock at what he was hearing. _

"_I hear you, Alan keeps on showing me his 'drawings'" Gordon said, using air quotation marks with his fingers "They aren't even good! They're just a bunch of scribbles and swirls" the 5 year old felt tears starting to burn their way through his eyes._

"_Not as bad as me!" John shouted "Imagine having to baby sit him while you two go to parties" the others groaned in sympathy. Alan felt as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He slowly walked away, hearing the faint laughter of his brother who thought loved and cared for him. _

_Making his way to his brother's room, Virgil was reading a book, seeing the state of Alan he immediately rushed to his side and picked him up._

"_Hey sprout, what's wrong?" Alan just buried his face into his brothers chest and cried "Thunderstorm?" he asked, Alan hesitated. He could tell Virgil about what he heard, but then his brothers would get in trouble. Instead he nodded and kept quiet. Feeling Virgil kiss his head he snuggled closer to his brother, feeling safe._

Alan sighed and was broken out of his thoughts by Johns shouts.

"Scott!" the three of them turned and saw John standing in the hallway, mad grin plastered on his young face.

"Yes John?"

"We need you for a minute or so. We –"

"We just need you" Virgil shouted over the top of John. Scott looked at Alan and Gordon for a moment before following John and Virgil. Alan looked at Gordon with confusion. His brother just looked at where they disappeared to with burning curiosity.

"Well, pool?" He asked and dragged his brother outside.

* * *

"What do you mean you've found the hood!" Scott shouted as he looked at his brothers in shock.

"Not exactly found, more like _close_ to finding" John explained from where he was seated next to the computer. Sighing in defeat Scott pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming along.

"So, Lady P and her men are _close_ to finding the hood?" the two nodded "Well, I guess that's more than what we were doing" after a moment of silence Virgil was the one to break it.

"How's Alan?"

"Silent. Barely speaking a word and when he does, there's only guilt in his voice"

"Wouldn't expect anything else" John muttered and rubbed his hands over his face "With what's happened I would be surprised if he even smiled"

"How did this even happen?" Scott asked "What did we do wrong to lead him to…_this_?" Virgil sighed deeply.

"I think we've done more than we even know"

* * *

Alan watched Gordon splash about in the pool. He knew that the fish was getting his anger out. Admittedly Alan just wanted to say goodbye, he wanted to hug his brother and tell him that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault he was alive. His fault that he was so annoying, even though he never meant to be.

He never meant to be this little brother they all hated. Except for one brother, Virgil. Truth be told he wouldn't expect to have a funeral. If he did they wouldn't mourn him, they're jut being nice because they don't want him to hurt himself or suffer the headlines of newspapers around the world.

Silently he made his peace with dying.

* * *

A loud shrill echoed in the room and the three Tracy brothers turned to look at the screen. Lady Penelope's face entered the screen, she had blood spatter on her face and her hair was unkempt.

_My men have found the Hood_

Scott and John held onto each other, both feeling their knees go weak. Virgil felt as if the air had been knocked right out of him

Sudden gunshots rang out in the distance. Lady P turned around and shot someone in the distance.

_He has men. But we have more._

"Are you going to be ok?" John asked concerned. The pink woman smiled.

_When have I ever not been John?_

A gruff voice broke through the speakers at Lady P turned to the man.

_Miss Penelope! We've got him sedated!_

"You've got the Hood?" Scott asked and laughed.

Lady P turned the screen and there they saw the unconscious form of the Hood being carried away on a gurney.

_The Army and Scientists have created a type of metal which would secure the Hoods power. You can tell Alan that he'll be ok from now on. _

"Thanks Miss P" Virgil whispered, too shocked and overjoyed by the capture. The screen went black and the three brother laughed, hugging each other and shaking from the excitement.

"I'm getting Alan" Scott said as he raced down the hallway to get his brother.

* * *

As Gordon got out of the pool he shook his head like a dog. Grabbing a towel nearbye he dried himself off and sat next to the teenager. Alan was fiddling with the bandages around his arms, almost as if in a trance. It was peacefully quiet until Scott came barreling outside.

"Gordo! Alan! We've captured the Hood" Gordon jumped in amazement and hugged his brother. The others looked to see the reaction of the youngest. Emotions swirled on his young face, following with anger, shock, confusion and terror.

"…what?" he asked shallowly. Not being able to understand what they were saying. Scott laughed and dragged his brother down the hallway to the study where the others and Jeff were.

"Alan! You're free!" Virgil smiled and hugged his baby brother. Alan put on a mask of happiness and relief, when really he was anything but.

"How'd you do it?" he asked them all who turned to the screen, as if they didn't really hear him.

"Son's I'm so proud of you" Jeff said and hugged the four older brothers. Alan felt something break inside his chest, was that his heart?

"It was nothing dad really, all what we did was…" their voices faded out as Alan slowly left the room, tears welding up in his eyes. The care his brothers previously had was all gone within a blink of an eye when his father expressed his pride. He wouldn't be shocked if the teasing and hatred resumed its place after today.

He remembered the teasing he got on Christmas.

_Unwrapping a Christmas present a 10 year old Alan gaped and laughed. Taking it out he saw it was a skateboard. He remembers telling Virgil how much he wanted to become a professional skater. Looking up at his brother he smiled._

"_Thanks Virg" the older brother side hugged him._

"_Your welcome sprout"_

"_Virgil! I need your help with the turkey!" Jeff's cries of panic came from the kitchen. The brothers chuckled and watched Virgil leave. Gordon looked at the skateboard and shook his head._

"_What?"_

"_Well, it's just, a skateboard? Really Alan?" he asked with a teasing voice. Scott caught on and nodded._

"_Yeah, you'd break your neck with your klutziness" the three older brothers laughed and Alan masked his face into one of a smile, as if he was laughing with them._

"_I agree Gordo. Allie, you'd probably die in the next week or so, and don't expect us to mourn you. Your loss would be a breath of fresh air" they all laughed, not noticing the fake and painful one coming from the youngest._

Sighing, he opened his bedroom door and went to his desk, taking out a pen and paper he began to write.

* * *

After the celebration of the latest victory the boys sat down with a content sigh.

"I cannot believe that its all over" Gordon said with a smile. Virgil tutted his brother.

"Its not over Gordo, we still have to help Alan get through this. You're lucky, you haven't been here to see how much pain he's been through and suffered like Scott, John, Dad and me" Gordon looked up with angered eyes.

"You think I haven't suffered?" Gordon asked in a bemused voice "I _have_ suffered, _and_ been there to see the consequences of his actions Virg!"

"I didn't meant that Gordon"

"Then what did you mean?" he asked, standing up. The other brother followed his actions.

"I _meant_ that that you weren't there to see it _first hand_"

"I was there to see him nocked up on drugs. I was there to see him lying down unconscious and tortured when the Hood attacked. I was there to see him lying in a pool of blood in the beach! So tell me, what have I not seen?"

"You haven't seen him broken!" Virgil shouted. Gordon looked at him with a frown, broken? What did he mean by broken?

"What do you –"

"Has anyone actually seen him?" Scott asked in concern.

"What?" asked Virgil as he and everybody else looked around the study. There was no sign of him. Something released inside of the Doctor as he felt a bad feeling enter his body "SHIT!" he shouted and looked at his father "Dad, I want you to get Thunderbird 3 ready!" and he bolted down the hallway, his brothers hot on his tail.

"Virgil what's happening?" said John in a panicked voice. Virgil didn't have time to respond as he went to open Alan's door.

"Damn it! He locked it. Alan! Alan open up!" Scott moved him to the side "Scott what-" the older Tracy kicked the door down and rushed into the overly clean room. Looking around, Virgil felt his heart stop as he saw the letter on Alan's desk. Reading it he didn't realize that there were tears falling down his cheeks.

"Virgil? Virgil what's wrong?" the panicked voice of Scott asked. Putting the Note into Scotts view he saw his brother choke on a sob, not letting the tears fall. Scott showed the others the letter and nobody got to say anything as they heard a body collapse in the bathroom.

Their blood ran cold.

"ALAN!" Virgil shouted as he banged on the bathroom door "ALAN!"

"Step aside little brother" Scott said and he bashed the door down. Everybody froze, Virgil went into doctor mode and immediately went to his brothers side.

"Alan! Alan, oh my god" Virgil gasped and grabbed a towel grabbed a towel that was nearby and applied pressure to the deep cut.

* * *

Alan tore the paper out of his journal and stood out of his chair. In the back of his mind, what he was about to do seemed crazy. But the Hood will return, he knows it, he feels it. If only he would die and be gone. No, the Hood will never die, he has a life and has goals. Where he just doesn't. He hates his life, and his family hates him. Except for Virgil.

Walking into the bathroom he locked the door and reached under the sink to his spare razor. Cutting the bandage off of his wrist, he saw the healing cuts and fade scars from his past. Pushing the blade down, he slit his wrist vertically in one swift motion.

The pain of cutting through the other scars was unbearable for a second. The blood rose so quickly that he never thought possible. Bloody poured over his arm and landed on the floor. Everything hurt so much, yet the pain was welcomed. Hearing his bedroom door bash open he gripped tightly to the sink behind him.

His heart was pounding in his ear's, he wondered how long it would take for him to finally die. Soon the blood loss was so much that when Alan looked down all what he saw was a crimson pool. Loosing grip on the sink he fell to the floor.

* * *

Alan smiled tiredly at his brother and weakly placed his hand on the doctors.

"Its ok…" he slurred and his eyes began to flutter closed.

"No, no, no" Virgil stammered and lightly patted Alan's cheeks "Stay awake for me sprout. C'mon" Gordon chocked and hugged the stunned Scott. John's knees buckled underneath him, too frozen to cry "Alan!"

* * *

"I don't like this" Gordon croaked out, his voice dry from crying and shouting his baby brother's name.

"Neither do I" Scott muttered as he rubbed circles on the red heads back. Forever the mother.

"I never thought he'd do something like this" John whispered in horror "The note…the blood…where did our Alan go?"

"He was always like this" Virgil said as he walked down the Hospitals corridor with starbucks coffee "We just never noticed" Scott took the coffee, sparing his hand from Gordon.

"Some brothers we are" the others nodded in agreement.

"Some father I am" Jeff said, the others turned to him in confusion and shock. Never was their father admitting weakness, especially with Alan.

"No, Dad you did the best you-"

"No. I won't hear it John" the blonde stayed silent "After reading the note, thing became clearer. I admit, that I never knew how to handle Alan. He was too much like his mother and somehow I was forcing him to change because I couldn't bare the thought of your mother. In by doing so, I made him leave home. I sent him off to schools, forcing him to become a soldier and follow orders like you all. I was never the father he needed, I never noticed his pain, I was never there for him. And it breaks my heart to see what I did. All of my mistakes I made towards Alan, and now he's paying the price" The hallways was silent before a Doctor came into the hallway with a chart.

"Tracy family?"

"That's us!" Gordon shouted and jumped out of his seat towards the Doctor.

"What's the news Doctor? Is Alan going to be alright?" Jeff asked calmly.

"He is stable, but the cuts he's made in the past added to the one he's just done, I'm surprised he's alive" there was a glint in the Doctors eyes, something that showed empathy and sadness towards his patient "I'd like to speak to his guardian alone" Jeff nodded and walked with the Doctor into a clear hallway.

"Yes Doctor…?"

"Jordon. Mike Jordon" they shook hands.

"Jeff Tracy"

"To be frank with you Mr Tracy, I've seen patients with sever depression but never actually had to treat one like Alan. The scars seem to be years old. Mr Tracy, I recommend committing Alan to a psych ward if this happens again" Seeing something pass over Jeff's face he sighed "Has this already happened Mr Tracy"

"No"

"Mr Tracy I am putting your sons best interest in this. I know you want the best for your son and I am here to help, I only ask if you can be honest"

"It wasn't suicide" Seeing the hard look the Doctor gave him he explained what went down on the beach.

"Ah, he wasn't thinking. That's happened more than a few times here at the hospital, but I am afraid that some of the patients don't come back recovered" there was some silence as that sunk in to Jeff "Mr Tracy, I will not pressure you into committing your son, _but_ he is participating in a _very_ dangerous addiction. I will not promise you that being committed will always work, but it does help with the urges. You can talk to your son about this when he wakes up. But in the meantime I will have prescribe Alan with some medication that will hopefully make him better" Jeff raised his eyebrows at Doctor Johnson.

"Medication?"

"Antidepressants"

"What does it do exactly?"

"Well, there is no real explanation of how it works, all what it really does is makes a person happy. He'll have to take it twice every day, once in the morning and once at night. I'll give you more details once I have it prescribed. Before I go I need the suicide note your son wrote for the file, if you have it" the old man nodded numbly and shaking hands took it out. The Doctor took it and skimmed over the writing. Placing it in the folder he was bout to go but turned to Mr Tracy in a soft voice "You should go join your sons now, be there for Alan Mr Tracy. Trust me I've seen what happens to a family if they don't comfort each other" and with that the doctor walked off to treat other patients. Jeff sighed in the hallway and sat down on a chair. This was really happening.

* * *

In Doctor Jordon office he sighed as he re-read the writing.

_I'm so terribly sorry to everyone who believed in me, i am sorry._

_You don't deserve me. All what i've done in this life has caused pain and misery. You don't deserve all of my negativity. It has hurt me even more, knowing what i put you through. The way you look at me, afraid of what i will do to myself if you leave me alone._

_All of you did such an excellent job at living, and I am happy for all of you. But there i was, a mistake. Yes, i know. It wasn't hard actually, I calculated the difference in years between me and my brothers and wasn't so shocked as I thought I would have been. I always knew I was different, less loved by everyone. _

_Virgil, you've tried and tried to be positive with me. And for that I am thankful. You made me feel alive like Fermat and Tin Tin could. _

_Brothers, you always picked and made fun of me. I am not thankful but I do forgive you. I was a lesser being than you, always failing at school. And messing everything up. Believe me that I do not mean to. I love you._

_Dad, I am sorry for our arguments. Why did we always have to fight? Was I such a disappointment that you had to get rid of me? Whenever I asked to be homeschooled, one of the very reasons was to be closer to you and my brothers. I know that I was a mistake but, to be separated from my own home wasn't necessary. _

_I do not hate you. This is not your fault. I want to die. And I hope you will grant me that one privilege. I will have finally done something right. I will have ridden you of my existence._

_Please, don't cry. Don't mourn. I promise you I am happy now. _

_I love you._

_Alan Tracy_

Mike sighed hard at that note. His eyes were glassy at the pain the child must have endured. He could tell that the way the family was that Alan must have kept his depression very secretive. Filing the note away he promised to himself that he'd make sure that, that boy will have the best treatment at the hospital.

* * *

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